for most of my life, conflict was something i avoided like the plague (except with my father, who i apparently enjoyed provoking according to all evidence).
there are many kinds of conflict – i know this now. there are disagreements that can not only be resolved, but can be pivotal to personal growth. there are miscommunications where no one is speaking the same language. there are fights mired in ignorance and hatred.
but in my childhood, i never ever understood that a conflict or disagreement could be anything but silent vengeful brooding or screaming fights that culminated in nothing but misery. my parents rarely communicated effectively and certainly never had what i would call productive disagreements.
it was almost a phobia for me…being trapped in a situation where i might have to face conflict that could go nowhere good. i think part of my habitual lying to boyfriends stemmed from this. even the idea of being challenged to discuss things i didn’t feel prepared to discuss crossed that line. suffice it to say i was not likely to find a lively debate an enjoyable experience.
i always thought, “why can’t we just *not* do this. i don’t care about xyz topic. i don’t *want* to bat it around with you!”
and then the boy swooped in and started his upgrades. honestly, i doubt i could have had a successful long-term relationship without the Conflict Phobia Uninstall he had to do. what started as exercises critical to being self-aware and understanding your partner bled over into more everyday uses, like enjoying a good debate or diplomatically handling sticky client situations.
but between those two points were years of trying, pushing, growing, sobbing, trying again, unwinding the fear and finding the strength to embrace productive, if difficult, dialog.
and the world is *infinitely* better for the upgrade.
this reflection is brought to you by the mind-numb i had this week with a very very difficult client who is stalling on paying an invoice. sometimes i am instantly teleported back to that primal fear and distaste for a conflict i feel ill-prepared to face, and this man hits all my buttons.
it took me a while to put my finger on what makes me react this way. in the end, i realized he is that level of manipulative that i have only encountered a few times in my life, and it is a mechanism i instinctually feel powerless against.
i am, of course, *not* powerless against it. and the boy spent much of the last 24 hours talking me down from the ledge and showing me the ways i can handle it.
funny how years of progress can seem so fragile some days.
nice to know i can face it and keep trying.
Been there, done that, should have some sort of electronic shock device implanted in me to keep from doing it again. The problem is when I’ve been dating a girl past a certain point- that’s when it becomes hard for me to break things off, no matter how bad they are.
This is my obligatory “I HATE HATE HATE that icon” post.
The worst conflicts are with the people who are trying to take advantage of your conflict avoidance instinct. Predator credit card companies and mobile phone services. GAH. Whole bureaucracies counting on you to get tired before you take their sorry asses to court. UG.
In the broader sense, until you are perfect, you are bound to encounter conflict, and you should be equipped to deal with some. Especially in a relationship with someone who sees all your deepest flaws. Negotiating and fixing those is how we all become perfect. 🙂
i would probably argue that negotiation and fixing those is how we ultimately become happier…but i think you would argue that that falls under the “becoming more perfect” category, so we won’t quibble over semantics 😉
Exactly.
Well, there’s a lot of research out there that says we can’t actually become happier than some baseline, but I’m choosing not to believe it for now. At the very least, we can have less drama and focus on real problems. 🙂
Love you guys!