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yesterday morning, longpatterned‘s juices dribbled down my chin.

this morning, they squirted in my eye!

if he ever offers you his home-grown satsumas or graprefruits, JUMP on it. they are quite frankly the best citrus i have had in years 🙂

as i switched out summer for winter clothes in storage bins, i *finally* dug up my box of pictures that i had thought about parusing lately. and some of them made me giggle so much i had to share 🙂

come along…no need to hog friend’s lists!

jesus.

today has been dedicated to hunkering down and reading expert developer articles on macromedia’s website about Flash in it’s latest incarnation and optimal ways to work for specific end goals.

my head is reeling with the possibilities.

my toes are curling with the improvements since the last time i tried to grasp the overall functionality and usability.

i am swimming in a sea of flash development paths for the progressively more cutting-edge things i will be doing.

and i am loving it.

so today i tried a new hair salon and i think it was a Good Thing.

it will take a few days to see how the color settles, but i think he managed to capture “dark dark dark with a burst of deep burgundy or eggplant when light hits it” (i was channeling yonder days of anassadeina‘s fabulous hair love from sagewise).

my trim feels good and though i would love to do something exciting with my hair, i am neither inclined to cut it all off *nor* straighten it on a regular basis, so my standard long layers is about as exciting as it gets.

i miss you, sagewise. i find myself at a total loss to select someone here to gussy up my hair and makeup for the wedding so i can just sit back and enjoy a much-deserved bottle glass of wine. hopefully the next 6 months will bring me a suitable candidate for this 🙂

i love getting little cues along my life path that i’m doing it right.

i happened to click on my first online journal entry i ever wrote, way back in fall of 1999.

and to read my thoughts about my future, my fears and my dreams at that point – when this idea of a life i could have was barely a spec on the horizon – made me sit here grinning, in my nola apartment in my bunny slippers, working, and still warm from a weekend of good friends, good food and a good life.

of all my hippie philosophies, perhaps visualization is the most important. putting the idea in your head of a dream life and slowly, slowly eeking your way toward it by being flexible, motivated, optimistic, and most of all *choosing* a happy life.

happiness doesn’t just happen. it’s made.

there is one thing, above all others, that removes the hippie-zen girl and replaces her with screaming rage:

overzealous, fanatical religious beliefs imposed on society as though they should be the norm.

this article in the NYT this morning hit every button i have.

i am a spritual person who has the upmost respect for normal people embracing and practicing whatever faith makes them happy. i have no vendetta against christianity.

but one aspect of christianity that i have always had a hard time with is the hypocracy it can harbor and nurture. the idea that, no matter what you have done, if you accept jesus as your savior, it is all erased and you sit pretty in heaven and can judge everyone else, is, in my humble opinion, the biggest load of shit ever.

i don’t mean the people who truly get a second chance at a good life after stealing or selling drugs or whatnot. i mean people who use it as a shield to persecute others, while never truly having to face up to the ramifications of the damage they have done.

i know i am biased by my own experience, but i’d like to think i would find it offensive regardless.

my grandfather annhiliated my mother’s childhood and adolescent life by molesting her from age 5 and raping her from age 13 until she left the house. and the entire time he did this to his daughter, he made his family of 7 kneel on hardwood floors every sunday for 4 hours while praying along with oral robert’s evangelical radio show. over the course of my youth, he tried to abuse me, all the while talking about jesus’s forgiveness and dragging me to church – luckily, as soon as i was old enough to know his behavior wasn’t right, i told my mother. he was caught trying to abuse my cousin, and now at 80+ i have no doubt that if any great-grandchildren are unfortunate enough to wind up in his lap, that he will cop a feel there too.

and this man really TRULY believes that his sins are washed away and forgiven because he is a christian. in fact, when my mother finally came forward to her adult siblings to tell them what he did to her (in an attempt to protect their children), she was completely blackballed by her family for “holding onto grudges” because he was a good christian and jesus had forgiven his sins.

so this morning, when i sat and read the above article about a man who had a 20 year pornography addiction, ripped through 2 marraiges and is on his 3rd, who is the christian crusading leader of the anti-gay marraige movement, it made me want to go postal. all i see is a man who went from one addiction to another (porn to religion) and now has some sort of holy mandate to take away someone else’s right to find happiness and legal protection in a lasting, public union with a significant other. i see a man who obviously didn’t respect the sanctity of marraige the first 2 times trying to take away another human’s right to have it on fanatical religious grounds.

it just makes me ill.

i don’t think it is just christianity that can be a haven for hypocracy, it’s just that i see so much of it because it is the religion that is constantly shoved down america’s throats.

i am always a little surprised at how most of the time, my mood turns itself around pretty quickly, and then i remember, “oh yah, i really am one of those upbeat little hippie creatures!”

with the exception of motivation issues from time to time, its hard for me to stay grumpy for too long.

yesterday was exhausting, draining and really rough on my soul. and with scrabble-freak night upon us, i wasn’t so sure my energy reserve would keep me upright.

but it was a very small and energizing evening with burningwax and el_diavalo and it was apparently just what the zenmaster ordered for me. i finally gleaned what scrabbonics ™ was, though not in its true form. we played *dirty* scrabble (you have to make dirty-themed words) but it quickly slid into the grammer and spelling gutter to embrace the spirit of scrabbonics no-rules. there was much giggling and fun.

and then el_diavalo departed, my boy and M whipped out the chess, and s & i sat and chattered for the rest of the evening. it was truly delightful.

i fell into bed at 1am, content with the world and completely de-stressed.

today is a nice day of work and a what-carbs?-turkey-and-all-the-goodies-gorge-a-thon with the culinary goddess michara who took my giant free turkey away and promised to make it not only edible but irresistable 🙂

and then 3 more days of uninterrupted work before i face the upcoming weeks of dashing around like headless chicken.

it just makes it suck more.

i thought i hated it when my parents used it, but i really hate it more when i have to say it to myself.

today, as a result of the client management crisis, i forced myself to get anal and actually CALENDAR my time between now and the new year, so i knew exactly how i could take my pre-scheduled holiday time, a client trip to houston, a weekend with my parents, AND still meet all my deadlines.

the good news is that i can still take Dec. 23-28 completely off while we are in Winona (which the boy has put his foot down on as not negotiable). and i can fit in all the travel time to and from houston and chicago for our various commitments. and i can force myself to only work half days while we are in chicago so we CAN see all the friends we wanted to see while there.

the bad news is i am looking at 60+ hour weeks the rest of the time from now til january, i absolutely CANNOT say yes to another client who needs ANYTHING until after the new year, i will have to cancel all pre-scheduled social engagements until after the new year, and i will not have time to participate in things like finishing the research on our wedding invitations or the other personal things i had hoped to have time for in the next 6 weeks.

the lesson:

belen, you are now high enough in demand that you will calendar your time as projects come in. you will know, up front, exactly how much free time you have left for work before you commit to anything, and you will not overschedule yourself like this again. you like your life. you like your friends. you do not want to give up the things you enjoy because you chose not to plan your work schedule carefully. this is in your control. you are not superwoman. the next time clients demand you to work on their schedules and you commit, i hope you will remember this hellacious 2 months where you almost had to cancel christmas because you could not be proactive in your planning.

i am a good designer.
i am personable and client’s like me.
i evoke a sense of trust in clients that my suggestions are educated and in their best interest.
i am reliable and conscientious.
i have good business management skills.

however, the biggest lack i face at this point in my career is the desire and ability to set client expectations to *my* realistic schedule and hold firm. to push back when they miss deadlines. to be a hardass when necessary. and to take the time to force an order of operations that assures things don’t slip through the cracks.

on small projects, the above is usually not necessary. i can relax and just let it flow.

but to play with the big boys, i *must* hone and perfect this skill. it is the key to a sane and stable work life for me. a client’s deadlines are only my deadlines if it is realistic and firm. a lack of planning on their part does not constitute an emergency on mine.

but this is so much easier said than done.

apparently, my karma angels have decided that it is time for another painful growth period in my professional life – and this is my challenge i must rise to meet.

it is valuable. it is worth the gnashing of teeth and growing pains to push past my natural temperment into that of a successful business owner. this will be the key to my future success and happiness – to get to the next level of the playing field and maintain my zen, this skill is imperative.

i need more inner bitch.

and it is REALLY hard for a hippie-zen-peace-and-love girl. luckily, i have a hard-ass husband, but it doesn’t make it any easier emotionally.

growing pains suck.