Month: October 2006

today is pizza-sauce brewing day, and any of you who have seen it (or done it!) know that means hours of the chopping zen and happy, slow-simmering goodness.

as i was peeling 6 heads of garlic (no small use of time), i realized that as i am in the midst of these repetitive, soothing tasks, i find my brain skips over various associations i have with the idea of cooking.

cooking is quiet, inside my head time.

cooking is order and spontaneity.

cooking is infusing my energy through my hands and into the people i love.

cooking is impromtu dinners and endless chatter every night with patchworkalice

cooking is a bustling kitchen full of beautiful, spunky women and learning tricks under the expert tutelage of adam 🙂

cooking is sharing and giving.

cooking will soon be endless dinner parties with wingology and daily adventures with stacie.

cooking will someday being luring my friends’ children into the kitchen to help create the wonders of dinner 😀

cooking is really every aspect of my life that i love: independence, creativity, routine, friends who are my family, sharing myself with the people i love.

i really don’t have any negative connotations with cooking, and rarely do i have the “i don’t want to cook dinner” grumble. that makes me feel quite blessed 🙂

i desperately try to avoid issues of a political nature. they depress me with the complete lack of reasonable, moderate answers to often very important questions.

but every time i read about gay marriage, i just get pissed at this stupid-ass nation.

how is it that in a nation where some dumb bitch and some unthinking dude can tie the knot, get all the benefits this government offers to married people, pop out some kids, and then decide that they screwed up, get a divorce and start all over again in a never-ending cycle of embracing “the sanctity of marriage”, that those same government and financial benefits cannot be freely offered to same-sex couples?

what does insurance have to do with the sanctity of marriage?

what do tax breaks have to do with the sanctity of marriage?

what do hospital visits have to do with the sanctity of marriage?

it makes me sick that a judge in new jersey saying that “gay couples are entitled to the same legal rights and financial benefits as heterosexual couple” translates in the conservative agenda into “we had another activist court issue a ruling that raises doubts about the institution of marriage” by none other than our president.

and what really chaps my ass about politics is the playing of semantics to rile up their respective bases.

a Civil Union, with its government stamp of approval, is a completely different thing than a Marriage, with its religious and spiritual overtones, and everyone involved knows that. you can have one without the other, so why is it that everyone pretends that they are the same thing?

fucking manipulative shitheads and their fucking moron followers.

<this ends a test of the belen emergency irateness system. this was only a test.>

i found myself musing on a phrase last night that can encompass so many emotions – frustration, helplessness, anger, understanding, peace, zen – depending on how you take it:

“this isn’t about *you*.”

i have been on the giving and receiving side of this sentiment many times in my life, and it’s a curious mark of my journey to think about how i have reacted to it at various points in my life.

it is a statement that has made me furious and sad. how could anyone be selfish enough to think that my feelings don’t matter?

it is a statement that has made me impatient and anxious. how could someone project themselves into my life, my journey, my experience in such an intrusive way that they want to make *my* choices about them?

it is a statement that has stopped me dead in my tracks. could i be seeing such a small vision of the world around me that i would think this issue is about me, when in truth, it really truly isn’t?

it is a statement from which i have drawn great comfort and strength. how can i untangle myself and my emotions so that this thing i cannot control does not eat me alive?

and i think that is what the phrase has ultimately come to mean to me: to change the things i can control and to work to let go of the things that i cannot.

when i stare my deepest pain in the eyes, pain entangled in other people and situations, i ask myself this harsh question and grind my teeth not to flinch at the truth of the answer. is this about me? if not, why are my feelings so wrapped up in it? what are realities and what are my perceptions and projections? what *can* i change to make my world better? how can i find my peace with what i can’t change?

not only have i faced this with friends, lovers, and parents, i have also faced it with business situations that i have been invested emotionally in. i have really come to feel that my zen lies in knowing when something is about *me* and when i happen to be a willing victim caught in a whirlwind outside of myself.

random thoughts on a random wednesday 🙂

after a delightful weekend to send off die_electric and ockamsrazor (who might be considered stolen goods to some – we always knew we would have to return them!), the boy and i yet again packed the suburban full of loot to take back to the island. i have become quite adept at hopping on the roof and tying things down with the ratchet tiedowns, as people look up at me in great amusement.

the guest room now has a bed and lamps, the great room has a fabulous bookshelf and side table, the office has a coffee table, and its starting to look quite civilized in here – not to mention should feel like a little slice of home for m&a 🙂 its delightful to have friends who have good taste!

because i am a dork, we forgot the bookshelf and chair for my office. <sighs> royalbananafish, perhaps we can talk you into meeting with said goods when you are en route home next weekend. i’ll poke you about that later in the week.

this probably means i should take pictures soon, but i think i’ll wait until the french doors are finally in the office, so we can show off Round One of the move-in and renovation effort.

i am so content with my universe, despite still being exhausted from the stupid amounts of blueberry vodka consumed. i think i have a hot date with a book, a cozy blanket, perhaps a hotttub soak and and early bedtime tonight!

today, i am finally feeling like i can’t possibly be a good daughter.

i mean, i am. i know i am. perhaps beyond what many humans can endure.

but my parents have been here since sunday, and i know its time for them to go when their praise of my amazing home is making me want to hack them to pieces.

i’m glad you like it. thank you.

for christ’s sake, LET IT GO.

i think its my mother’s tone as she talks about my trees, my leaves, my sky, my light, my…fill-in-the-blank. its manic and high-pitched. its like a bad tremorous falsetto. i don’t want to associate the beauty of my home with that tone.

<sighs>

and it may be hypochondria, but i have this deep soulful fear that i am getting the cold they showed up with. yes folks, my parents arrived hacking, sneezing and sick as hell (because their normal mode isn’t fun enough).

in truth, they have been very good. and even as respectful and thoughtful as they are capable of.

and yet, i still have to squelch the urge to scream at them.

for instance, my mother thinks its acceptable to indicate to my father, if he is on another floor and not responding as she desires, that she is done waiting for his presence by *banging on the wall or floor repeatedly*

it triggers everything scream-y in me. my zen flies right out the window.

it makes me want to yell, “PRIMATES COMMUNICATE LIKE THAT. If you can’t communicate like a human, you need to leave.”

at least they are leaving tomorrow.

<deep steadying breath>

today is one of the most clear days i have seen out here.

on the ferry over and back form taking d’s folks to the airport, mt. rainier and the olympics were so clear that you could even see rock face contours. everything was so crisp and perfect.

&ltdeephappysigh>

so friday, we enjoyed a delightful dinner party at a friend’s and scooped d’s parents up from the airport early saturday morning.

the weekend was great – good company, as always, and we now have a garbage disposal, tv antenna on the roof, car bits working properly again, heater timer in the bathroom working, and a bunch of other misc. house projects knocked out thanks to the uber-handy father-in-law.

have i mentioned how much i love my boy’s parents. i totally hit the inlaw jackpot.

today’s off-island errands included lunch at a great and cheap greek place and (wonder of wonders) NO trip to blue or orange – and i think that is why we still feel so good 🙂

my folks are due in sometime this week, and then perhaps we will have some downtime…i thought i was choosing a life of hermit-dom, but people keep showing up! 😀

my mother pre-programmed me with a lot of habits and beliefs that i have spent the better part of my adult life trying to disarm and re-map.

the list is long and painful – and rather exhausting.

but every now and then, i find myself in the midst of a pre-programmed moment that is delightfully useful and that i had *no idea* was lurking in there.

continue the tale back here