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baring a soul : october 1999
surrender: 10.13.99
"i...i was standing...you were there..."
i have always been That Kind of Girl.
you know...the one most likely to meet someone attractive at a party and wind up in bed with them. i am a very sensually driven person. i like being *that close* to someone.
and unfortunately, it never really mattered if i had a boyfriend or not. i vividly remember arguments with my First Love: he would talk about wanting to go to Europe for a few monthes or take a job that involved some traveling. and i would insist that if he did that, i would leave him, because i couldn't resist temptation if he was not there every day. the sad thing is, he lived with me - was with me every day for three years - and i still cheated on him.
and i just accepted that i was That Kind of Girl. i happily let my friends slap warning labels on me: Caution, contents may be hazardous if ingested...Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!...The Surgeon General Warns that...
but something has happened that i can't quite explain.
it began last march when i really lost the desire to become sexually involved with anyone. i had found a lovely balance of wicked flirtation and play that always stayed within certain limits. that was a new and wonderful place to be in.
and then i met this beautiful gypsy boy who was wandering through town. and i slept with him the first night i met him ("old habits die hard," i laughed at myself). i was pleased to have a few days with this tasty creature.
six weeks of emails later, he came to stay a few weeks with me...six weeks after that i went to see him.
and i have begun to realize that while there are several *very* attractive individuals around me who appear to be interested in pursuing...relations with me, i have gently turned away from those offers.
for the first time in my life, there is only one person i want to be that close to. and even more startling is that i have spent more time away from him than with him. yet, i have never felt a stronger sense of peace.
it is an amazing feeling. in my jaded stubborness, i still refuse to assign all the common phrases of affection to it, and we don't talk about it much.
but it is in his every glance. it whispers in my every touch.
i have surrendered.