|
|
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
baring a soul : november 1999
insanity: 11.1.99
"Is there somewhere else to be...is there somewhere
else to be...take me in...i want out...that's all i need."
no sooner do i extrapolate my fears of being trapped in the Real World after graduation, do i get eaten alive by my intense self-loathing of my academic situation. great.
all semester i have been fighting this battle. it is the same battle that has kept me eeking away at this goddamn degree for the last seven years. it is my self-awareness that academia is not satisfying to me...does not ultimately make me feel good or accomplished. that is why i always went part-time.
but two years ago, i got the brilliant idea that i should let myself have The College Experience. and the first year was great...a nice break, very exciting, and entirely beneficial. but somewhere along the way, i have lost a part of myself that i held dear.
my motivation is gone. school makes me feel like i am trapped on a perpetual gerbil wheel. it makes me feel stupid and frustrated. and the more apathetic i get toward what should be my total focus, the less motivated i am to try at all.
and that has lead me to This Place. One and a half semesters (hell, i only have *7* hours next semester!) away from graduating and so crazy-unhappy that i can't bear the idea of doing it for one more day.
please don't think that i haven't been *trying* to get through this. i give myself the Pep Talk bi-monthly, telling myself that i'm so close and that i just have to put in *half* an effort (i have abandoned the idea of a Good GPA and have begun to focus on Passing). but i find i am now losing the battle.
i feel so worthless. at best, i have always viewed school as vaguely interesting and that a degree was a Wise Thing to have in my possession. however, after having nothing but academia ruling me for two years, my self-worth has plummeted to nothing.
i was the Director of Administration for a company at 21. i ran their accounting, i created their MIS, human resources, and marketing departments. i handled millions of dollars and kept 450 employees happy. then i taught business software classes and interacted with important people on a daily basis. i made a *difference*. *and* i went to school at night!
and now i can't memorize 40 vocabulary words a week. i am brought to tears by the mere thought of speaking turkish out loud in class. i can't even write a good paper anymore!
so i sit in a puddle of tears...tears of rage, tears of frustration, tears of self-pity. and i wonder what kind of *idiot* was i to quit working and go back to school full-time, put myself $20,000 in debt for a degree i don't think i can get?
i can't pay my bills, i hate what i am doing, i have become a total *sloth*, and i feel like if i quit now, it makes me the biggest loser of all.
do i quit, regain my sanity and my financial stability and come back to school later? or do i try to stick it out - complete this goal that i have set for myself?
i feel like i have completely lost my mind.