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baring a soul : january 2001
dream: 01.02.01
"you an i are gonna live forever"
dream. open your eyes and stretch to the sky, pretty one....and dream of all those things you are afraid to do. and do them. *live*, don't just *be*.
and so i awaken to a new year, enjoying that rush...that feeling of newness. kinda silly, i know...what is it that makes us feel that way?
so many new things to taste this year.
i even started early: i spent christmas in minnesota, where i discovered (get this!) that each snowflake really does look different! they are mesmerizingly beautiful...the way they cling to you, dance around you, and then disappear at too warm a touch. and i discovered icicles...*3 feet long*! you have no idea how pretty a blanket of snow can make everything..pictures just don't do justice. so if you haven't romped in snow, spent a christmas somewhere where the *high* was -5, you should. it is an experience :)
what i'm afraid of:
moving:
well, i *was*...but on new year's day, my good friends helped me to remember
something. they reminded me that it is all about mindset. i have spent
the last few months stressing out and making myself miserable: what if
my job falls through? what if money gets even tighter? what if i never
manage to get myself out of debt? what if i can't manage to live this
dream life? etc.
and then i was reminded of my attitude when i moved from houston to austin...the obnoxious obstacles i seemed to just float through effortlessly...my friends' amazement at how there was nothing i couldn't do. i made it look easy :) when in truth, it was an uphill battle all the way...but it didn't matter because i was going to *win*. hell or high water, i was moving to austin...and i dared anyone or anything to stand in the way.
so now i'm not so much afraid as anxious...anticipating all the work that has to be done between now and then, trying to be intelligent about finances in case things go awry. i wonder from time to time how many of my friends will slip away because of distance...i wonder what it will be like to meet new people again...form new bonds.
work:
i spend a lot of time worrying that once i move, i will be forced to enter
the world of <dramatic thundering> contracting. <sighs> i
think i am just spoiled...it's not working alone that bothers me...i *love*
that aspect. it is the whole business side of things that makes me wary.
i don't wanna negotiate contracts...i don't wanna deal with money...i
don't wanna sell myself. i wanna *design*. so i cross my fingers that
things keep going well, but in reality, i am trying to brace myself for
the idea that not only will i have to go back to managing business aspects,
but that i will also have no guarantee that money will flow. <throws
back shoulders, raises head and smiles that winning smile> its all
about attitude, right? you want me...you know you do :)
debt:
this is the year. it is the year for me to eat ramen, curb my shopping
habits, tighten the belt and do everything i can to eat away at this evil
weight that bears down upon me. that's it. nothing else to say.
my mother:
they spend 20 years raising you, but what you don't realize is that then
it is your turn. except that you have no nifty disciplinary tricks like
they did. unfortunately, this is the only thing on my list that i really
just can't do anything about. in 6 months my sister will leave for college
and i will be 1/2 way across the country...and i carry this sick feeling
in the pit of my stomach about what will happen to my mom. not guilt,
mind you...she is her own person, and she makes her own choices...a lesson
that was painful to learn. i have said my piece...done my best to make
her understand how i feel about her choices. and now all i can do is pray
that a few of my karma angels will stay and watch over her. ever heard
the song "Wonderful"? <nods> it was written for my sister
and i...i'm convinced.
so this year i stand before you strong and ready to take on the world again, with last year's pain still too fresh to forget...a constant reminder that everything comes in cycles...it is never permenant. its a good thing to remember <grins>