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freeing a soul : april 2002
4.26.2002
charmed
alright folks...
i am not sure why, but i am charmed by this site.
the humor...grows on you.
but the animation is so high quality in that cartoon style that i just sat mesmerized for a while.
for instance, on the home page, look in the lower left corner...there are numbers 1-15. there are 15 different versions of the home page with really cute themes :)
and the "first time tour" (upper right corner) is pretty funny
and Email Strongbad is pretty cool too http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail.html
its obvious that someone put a lot of effort into this site and had the skill to make it a pleasurable visual experience :)
or maybe you think i am nuts :)
posted by belen 4:49 PM
new forms of torture
i have always felt that dentists held the monopoly on inventing the worlds most benign-intentioned, horrifying torture devices.
and this morning, after 2 years without a cleaning, i was faced with a new one...a truly evil invention.
an ultrasonic water cleaner
aka - the ultimate pressure washer for your mouth
they use it before they bring out that claw thing that they scrape your teeth with.
it is a very concentrated beam of water that they use to clean in and around your teeth and gums
to ferret out every tiny bit of buildup or grime
but here is the bad part.
not only is it a pressure washer for your mouth...
but it uses ultrasonic waves to clean even more thoroughly.
what does this mean?
you know that skull-vibrating drilling noise when you get a cavity filled?
magnify that pitch and whine by about 5, make it higher and even more nerve-grating and you have the noise that this thing makes while it is ripping into the soft gum tissue around your teeth, "cleaning".
but, it did indeed clean.
my teeth are probably cleaner than they ever have been.
truly.
how could they not be?
that was truly the most excrutiating dentist visit ever.
and to add insult to injury, i have 3 small cavities and they want me to see a periodontist about gum recession behind my front bottom teeth, probably due to my tongue ring.
<SIGHS>
happy friday, belen.
posted by belen 8:29 AM
4.25.2002
<HAPPY DANCE>
i just got my business cards in the mail :):):)
i am official!
my only regret is that i didn't get a glossy finish on them, but i can do that next time.
they are lov-e-ly :)
many props to donna for making such a good suggestion for online printing.
posted by belen 8:52 AM
4.24.2002
send
each of you has done it at some point:
labored long and hard over eeking out just the right words...finding the balance of your hurt/anger/betrayal with your desire to communicate and fix it.
you read it and re-read it.
over and over and over.
maybe (if it was really important) you even sent it to a few close friends to read and give you their prized opinion before you took the plunge.
and eventually
you hit
"Send".
and you launched your missive into the information superhighway.
and once it left your outbox, your only option was to sit and wait.
and hope.
and days stretched out.
and you began to think
"did they *get* it?"
but you know this game.
the send an email, get no reply, send another a few months later, get no reply...
oh wait - here is an email!
and its only been a year since you last heard from them.
(maybe i am projecting here)
so i said my piece.
and now that those fateful "first few days" have passed with no reply, i have mentally filed that email and that person on the "now i know all i need to" list.
before, it would have really hurt.
i might have even written a 2nd email to see if they got the first.
but now...
who am i to force someone to be my friend?
why should i have to beg?
even if they *did* mean the world to me once.
i said what i had to say...and some part of me expected silence in return.
but this time i understand the silence to mean that it is finally time to let go.
adjust my attitude.
and then next time and email graces my inbox, it will no longer feel like christmas.
just another day, another email.
its just the way of it.
posted by belen 7:47 AM
4.23.2002
calm
today i got the news that andre does indeed have cancer again.
and i sat numb and shaky.
i couldn't think straight.
and my brain began imagining the mind-numbingly negative things.
and i fought the urge to call him.
but i lost.
so i called.
i don't know if words can adequately express my feelings during and after that conversation.
i called him to satisfy my own need to know more about what was happening...i tend to feel more calm if i just know what to expect.
but those details were so insignificant in comparison to what i got from this talk with my best friend...my soulmate.
i listened to him chatter about sweet-talking the nurses into getting him an earlier appointment to get the show on the road.
i listened to him say that he had been very pragmatic in his expectations of this possibility.
i listened to him tell me that he generally knows what to expect this time...that the fear of not knowing has diminished considerably.
but then i listened to him tell me that he believes its about getting back up, pushing through.
that he feels that with so much love and support from his friends and family that he can tackle anything.
and once i was reminded of the sheer power of his attitude...his deep, soulful, positive personality and how he deals with things, i felt more peaceful.
calm.
and i was reminded that my positive energy does more to help him than any worry, anxiety or sorrow.
i have always been partial to the boy, but again, i find myself thankful and grateful to know such an amazing person and feel the power of his love and his understanding.
he is always teaching me something new.
posted by belen 10:35 AM
4.19.2002
lazy days
i feel so deliciously lazy today.
i am on Day 3 (and the last) day of my fast and i feel so zen and happy.
today i decided no work, so i worked on updating my porfolio with recent projects: a logo and paper system (BVECDC), a design consultation i did for david's company (A&E), and a new design project with websonly (Audio Visions South).
i had the most lovely experience this week. i joined webgrrls international because they have a tampa bay chapter and i wanted to be part of the tech community here. and the first post i made was in regards to questions about professional ways of using Flash on sites. so i responded at length with examples from my own work about ways i have used it and talked about the pros and cons etc.
and to my suprise, i got the most wonderful emails in return. many commented how they loved my flash work and the quality of my design. one woman asked for advice on freelancing. another asked for advice on how to develop her flash skills. and yet another made me glow like there was no tomorrow by saying:
I just want to give you some feedback. Your example is awesome. The work is so good, it creates desire to be a part of something like that. I don't build sites with flash because of search engine issues (I specialize in SEO). All the bells and whistles usually don't impress me, but yours did. It's nice when you find someone else's creativity so good that it inspires you. Your site did that for me and I just wanted you to know.
i was floored. these women wer so supportive and so vocal in their admiration. it was just fabulous :) needless to say, it left me feeling fantastic about where i am and what i am doing :)i think its about time to curl up with a book and ease into the weekend.
posted by belen 1:42 PM
4.18.2002
sex education
read and learn, my friends. you too can have the power to own someone's soul.
these are the best how-to articles for giving oral sex that i have ever read :)
(how many *have* you read, belen?)
the guide to eating pussy: http://www.viceland.com/global/
htdocs/sex_guides3.phpthe guide to sucking dick: http://www.viceland.com/global/
htdocs/sex_guides1.phpdon't be offended, be *educated* :)
posted by belen 1:31 PM
4.11.2002
tingly
today is a tingly day.
i feel all buzzy and connected to something larger than myself.
reflective...introspective...hearing my inner voice while reaching out to people.
it is *very* nice.
you know, i got my moon tattoo to remind me of the cycles of life and relationships, but as often as my fingers trace it on the back of my neck, i lose sight of that thought, still. good thing its tattoo'd on me, huh? :)
i have been feeling such loss and sadness over friendships that are in difficult places. i have been frustrated, angry, disappointed.
and today, i hear myself saying softly, "let it go, belen. give the rope some slack...take care of you...and see where it goes. nothing can be forced. people grow and learn...and nothing speeds that process. its their pace. let it go."
i have been so surprised at my anger at old issues. i need to spend some time with myself on this. i need to stop to hear what is really wrong. things i had put to bed are resurfacing, and its uncomfortable to carry such negativity around....about things that are long past. something larger is triggering it, and i have not been listening to myself.
and it *is* truly about cycles...because as i feel this negativity and loss, i am also feeling the touch of rekindled relationships.
i feel the glow of speaking with someone whose outlook on things and regard for me i had longed to have flourish. and now, after years, i seem to have a second chance to have that connection. and it leaves me smiling and warm.
and the one relationship that i wanted desperately and had always failed miserably at seems to *finally* have found its way to That Place. for all the times i threw my hands in the air and said i was through...for all the wailing and bitching...i kept coming back to it. and now i know why. this one was worth the work. i cannot describe the peace and joy adequately.
i also feel the weight of too much focus on the World Outside of Myself. i have stopped giving myself quiet time to reflect. i push aside my writing. i push aside yoga. i push aside personal persuits. mostly because of work...
and the time i invest in building my business is valuable, good time for me. i *need* to work hard at it now.
but i also need to make time to just be *quiet*.
away from this glowing screen.
away from IM and email.
away from the interruptions of life.
time to invest back in myself.
posted by belen 1:04 PM
4.10.2002
and the day closes quietly
i treasure quiet days when i can just get shit done and there is no landslide of stress that buries me :)
it was a good day...peaceful, productive.
working on the first round of design comps for a new client. they want a 50's feel, and its fun so far. i am not happy with the navigation yet, but here it is so far :)
http://www.belen.net/fit/design2.gif
tonight...some lazy TV and puzzle-time. the 4000 piece puzzle is actually coming along well :)
i think my zen is back :)
posted by belen 3:33 PM
4.9.2002
it's official!
this is what my new cards are gonna look like :)
belen's first business cards
posted by belen 12:29 PM
4.8.2002
i seem to have lost...
my zen.
has anyone seen it?
heeeeeeeeeeeere zenzenzen!
zenmeister! where are you?
the zen will come out - tomorrow!
where is that damn zen?
why did it have to wander off TODAY?
well, fuck.
doesn't that figure.
stray zen.
if anyone finds my zen, could you please boot its sorry ass home?
posted by belen 3:24 PM
mmm.....monday morning
its all about procrastinating, isn't it? perhaps making some coffee...fixing a little breakfast...pulling out yesterday's paper that i didn't have time to paruse. *gently* moving into the week and attempting to make this week a little less intense than last week.
the weekend *definately* helped with that.
saturday, i finally got around to the shopping trip i have been wanting to have for months. david and i went to the "Happy Feet" store (heh, i *love* that name) and bought birkenstocks. i rejoice in having sandles that are comfortable...and attractive! i like some of the new styles they have a lot. "birkenstocks - not just for jesus anymore" :)
then i had discovered that coffee shop that alex had told me about, and it was only a few miles down the road...so we dropped by around 6, and it was a really great place. like mojo's in the couch action, but much cleaner and classier (but not as "stiff" as a starbucks). the service was great and the coffee was good :) it looks like i found my new spot to recharge my writing efforts. we'll see how it goes, i guess :)
sunday, i got a paper, made coffee and had *every* intention of spending a good chunk of the day on the patio, soaking up th nice weather. but 1/2 way through the front page section, i realized that this was the last weekend we had to attend what was going to be the last year of the tampa bay ren faire. so i flew into action, got dolled up in long flowy ren-appropriate clothing, and we headed out. its actually *in* town, and we found it a pleasant surprise that it was a great spot for it. lots of big trees and shade. it was a fairly small one, but nice anyway. i got my palm henna'd, and it reminded my that learning that art was still on my list of hobbies to nurture :) must get to that!
so here i am...monday. i do believe that first on the list is a good long shower, then breakfast and coffee, and *then* i will face the world. :) and *today* instead of working through lunch, i am going to eat it on the patio and read the paper.
it's settled then :) b-bye!
posted by belen 7:05 AM
4.5.2002
i took the Belief-O-Matic quiz:
Rankings:1. New Age (100%) linkl
2. Unitarian Universalism (100%) linkl
3. Neo-Pagan (99%) link
4. New Thought (87%) link
5. Liberal Quakers (83%) link
6. Scientology (82%) link
7. Mahayana Buddhism (80%) link
8. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (72%) link
9. Theravada Buddhism (68%) link
10. Hinduism (64%) link
11. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (61%) link
12. Secular Humanism (61%) link
13. Reform Judaism (56%) link
14. Sikhism (49%) link
15. Taoism (49%) link
16. Jainism (43%) link
17. Orthodox Quaker (42%) link
18. Bahá'í Faith (35%) link
19. Nontheist (32%) link
20. Orthodox Judaism (29%) link
21. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (21%) link
22. Eastern Orthodox (21%) link
23. Jehovah's Witness (21%) link
24. Roman Catholic (21%) link
25. Islam (18%) link
26. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (16%) link
27. Seventh Day Adventist (15%) link
i am just a damn hippie at heart :) <snickers> 16% mainstream christian beliefs ;)
posted by belen 4:01 PM
words of wisdom
my sister reminded me of a forward that went around a while ago that i think is worth repeating :)
"When someone is in your life for a REASON. . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on."
posted by belen 9:00 AM
4.4.2002
smite them all
this made my day. their little faces are so cute when they are ripped apart by my fury :):):)
http://www.no-god.com/game/wrath.swf
posted by belen 12:40 PM
4.3.2002
idiot.
the only thing that keeps the title of this from being "mortified" is that i am not prone to fits of violent anger and name-calling (in public, anyway)
there was nothing wrong with my taxes.
i am simply an idiot.
actually, it was a funny mistake to make.
its no wonder i was confused. the 1st page had my w2 earnings, and then under it my adjusted contractor income...which is *$6* different than the amount of my 1 big 1099. so upon first inspection, my brain already locked into the fact that the other 1099's were missing, and as i inspected the tax form, it blinded me to math :)
or something like that.
basicly, i was an idiot.
i marched into her office, said my piece, she looked at me like i had three heads, explained it all slowly, i stared, i apologized, i thanked her and i slunk out with my diginity dragging behind me.
<sighs>
at least i wasnt screaming. or calling her names.
at least i wasnt *that* guy.
<shakes head>
the good news is we can resume the i-saved-money happy dance :)
posted by belen 2:05 PM
marketing at its best
The following ad is reported to have gotten numerous calls........
"SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a svelte good-looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Kiss me and I'm yours. Call 555-9764 and ask for Daisy."Callers found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black Lab retriever.
posted by belen 9:15 AM
singing in the rain
this morning, i was out of coffee.
and i really really wanted coffee.
the sky was ominously dark. the clouds were black and angry. the air was cool. you could smell the energy in the air.
it was about to be the *mother* of all thunderstorms.
for a girl who grew up in houston, thunderstorms were just another of those larger-than-life natural occurrances that i was raised with.
and i didnt realize how much i could miss them until we went to the northwest.
no thunderstorms. just piss and drizzle.
and there haven't been any good storms here yet.
but *this* one would be it.
as i got out of the store, the earth was rumbling with rolling thunder, rain was pouring down torrentially, everything smelled like clean new rain, lightning lit up the sky.
and i frolicked all the way to the car. i jumped in puddles. i laughed and looked upward and felt the joy of a thunderstorm.
and people looked at me like i had three heads :)
and as i walked into the house, david grinned at me standing there, soaked and glowing.
and i made a big pot of coffee and homemade kolaches and now i settle into work.
the storm is now distant rumbling and slow rain pitter-pattering...but i am so glad i got to play in the onslaught.
its going to be a good day :)
posted by belen 8:44 AM