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freeing a soul : january 2002
1.27.2002
buzzzzzzzz
its the sound i feel at the back of my brain lately.
i know exactly what it signifies: the growing desire and need to write. i never have really figured out *what* makes that noise....the sound of hundreds of voices talking to me in the recesses of my brain? the noise the hamster wheel makes when the "writing" sector of my head starts to work? the sound of billions of words running for their lives?
i dont know how long the buzz will continue this time before the writing breaks through...sometimes its soon, other times it is just the distant rumbling.
so friday, i spent the whooooooooooollllllllle day updating and revamping my portfolio. i really didnt expect it to take so long, but once i had *that* thought, i should have known it would take all day :) i am pretty excited though - there were so many things to show (which i never expected to *actually* happen) that i had to divide the portfolio up into categories. it makes me feel like a rock star :)
saturday was mucho bueno. i had a date with my trainer at 11am. we had discussed an additional month of training 3X a week (since i have to be de-li-cious for my smut sessions with xtine and donna when i get to austin in march), but the gym price for training turned out to be about $650 for a month.
<SIGHS> but when i explained to Shanna that i just couldnt do that in good conscience, she offered to train me under the table (teeheehee - that sounds so dirty!) for $240 for the month, and just work out with me. she likes me ;) so we have a deal...a month of intesive training, here i come :)
when i got home from the gym, we cleaned the house and then headed out to the beach. it was a mostly overcast day, about 80, and just *perfect*. we lounged around, read to each other, flew the kite, walked on the beach in the water. mmmmmmmmm! *this* is why i moved here. i need to remember to get the most out of this place :) i get too caught up in work.
we both have a hankering for good snow crab legs today, so i think we are gonna go try this place over in tampa that is advertising 2lb of crablegs for $13.99. <BIG grin> my mouth is already watering.
<HOPHOPHOP> david did the *nicest* thing for me! he had bought me a 4000 piece puzzle last year, and between the cats and the moving and the lack of room, i havent been able to do it. but he devised this platform rig that we can raise and lower from the ceiling to put the puzzle on (using 2 strips of wood, my sewing board, and eye-hooks!). so he is assembling it tonight and i will get to start on my BIG puzzle!!! <frowns> i am *not* a nerd...take it back! <pbbbttttthhhhhhhhhhttttthhhhhhhh>
well, i think i am going to go pick up a sunday paper and sit on the balcony and read and drink chai (last weekend was chai & letter-writing!). perhaps i will have more interesting things to talk about after that :)
posted by belen 9:20 AM
1.23.2002
morning rants and ramblings
<stretches> good morning! :)
it is so warm here! already 72, and its only 10am.
so yesterday i was tooling around online , looking for "sites i liked" for conduit's redesign.
and i had a fit of rage.
*WHY* is it that every "high-end, cutting-edge" design firm thinks that their website should be a Flash site that fills only 1/8 of the screen, has music like you are in a bad rave, and has the Choose-Your-Own-Adventure navigation technique????
i *understand* flexing your "cool" muscle - "look how cool we are - imagine how cool we can make you!" but *VERY FEW* businesses are looking to be appealing to hip teens. USABILITY, ANYONE????
i am a business owner with a chunk of change in my pocket, researching design firms to design my business's site. this site i am on is sure pretty, with all its overlaid patterns, spinning, music and texture (gee, it kinda reminds me of those days in high school when...) - but this site doesnt have any words! just ambiguous pictures and dots. hey wait! when i mouse over the dot, it pulses and the music makes a "you won at skeeball" noise - maybe *that* is a link! yup, that was a link, now - ooooooh! look at all the pretty colors! <blinkblinkblink> now, what was i looking for again?
FOR FUCK'S SAKE!
i just don't understand how these companies can think this is a good representation of their companies. you can't read their text (when there is text), if you are on a high-res monitor, all you see are infitessimally small squiggles and things that might be words. and they win AWARDS out the *wazoo* for these sites!
yes, they are pretty. yes, it is an interesting and artistic form of web design.
but jesus, doesn't anyone at their company recognize that their sites are *completely* unusable?
as a designer and a flash animator, i appreciate what they do. i even envy it.
as a web professional who tries to offer my clients usable interfaces, i abhore it and wish it wasnt the latest-greatest trend in design.
<grins> whew, that felt good! morning rants are good for the soul :)
posted by belen 7:07 AM
1.17.2002
ow.
<whimper>
ow.
jello for legs, anyone?
posted by belen 4:18 PM
wonders never cease
<drumroll please>
today, i am going to the gym.
yes, *finally*.
i am going to go meet my trainer.
and he is going to measure my body fat
and once i stop crying, i will be one with the stairmaster.
and then i will feel the glory of my muscles protesting against the weight training.
and i will come home and collapse.
and for 2 days i will be too sore to walk or move.
and the whole time, i will be thinking "*damn* i missed this!!"
that's the best part, you know - that soreness that tells you you are doing something other than sitting on your ass.
i need that again.
posted by belen 1:52 PM
1.13.2002
while i am bitching
this bad vacation experience reminded me of one we had in Tucson, when we were stuck with the transmission dead.
the hotel we stayed at had a resteraunt downstairs, and we tried to eat dinner there *once*.
i ordered nachos that cost $7.
the nachos were such a sad excuse for food. but what got me was that the meat on the nachos seemed very very strange.
and then in a moment of recognition, i identified the meat as ROAST BEEF. they put ROAST BEEF on nachos, and called it beef nachos.
the $8 pizza david ordered was a large Tortino's pizza, with 5 pieces of pepperoni on it.
the whole meal was a disaster.
roast beef on the fucking NACHOS.
<shakes head> k...i think i am done now.
posted by belen 6:10 PM
insulted
so we went to new smyrna beach, FL for Part 1 of our florida vacations that we bought last spring. for those of you who havent heard us bitch, somehow we got sucked into paying $400 for 7 nights of vacation destinations in florida. it was spun as accommodations for 4 adults.
well, earlier this week, we called to let them know that we would be arriving after 3pm on friday...at that time they informed us that it was actually a TIMESHARE we were staying at and that we had to attend a 90 minute presentation to receive our "special" rate. we had looked at *3* sets of paperwork, and all the information on the internet about this, and NOTHING had mentioned that we were going to have to PAY $60/night to have someone harrass us into buying a fucking timeshare.
needless to say, this new fact really pissed me off.
so we showed up on friday...and the room was a "suite" with 1 bedroom, a fold-out couch, a kitchen and living area. not exactly comfortable accommodations for 4. and the place was so white trash...it was decorated in that "tropical theme" that means really tacky furniture, wicker and color schemes that involved peach, pink, turquoise and orange existing in the same space.
upon checkout we were to strip the beds ourselves and take out the trash.
it *was* on the beach....which would have been pretty good had the weather been above 65.
so at 11am the next day we sat through the agonizing experience of the Timeshare Schpeal.
after we escaped, we did the math.
they were offering us the incredible deal of "owning" a timeshare - 1/52 of the deed to a piece of PRIME oceanfront vacation property (1 week a year of a 1000sqft condo) for the economy price of $23,000 (at the wonderful interest rate of 18.9% over 3 years, i might add!). when we crunched the numbers, we realized that meant that each condo, in their estimate was worth about $1 million a piece. with over 300 units in the "resort", that means they are assessing their property at over $300,0000,000.
for fucks sake. it was FUGLY! and TACKY! and certainly less glamorous than a las vegas hotel that usually runs about $250 million to build.
and then there was a $700/year "maintenance fee". so EACH UNIT brings in over $30k a year for maintenance - thats almost MILLION for MAINTENANCE every year.
and there were "only 3 units left in the resort" to purchase.
david and i looked around - at the empty halls, the 2 people by the pool, the bored counter girls. so out of 300 rooms, there are only 3 left for purchase (1 week a year). that means that, in *theory*, there are 297 families here this week, enjoying their vacation getaways? uh....no.
of course, they spun it as being able to "vacation around the world" - trade your timeshare time in little new smyrna beach for time in venice, greece, mexico, virgin islands - for only an additional $120-150 a week. uh...yah. no hidden costs, right?
it was such a total waste of our time. and such an insult to our intelligence.
i have a sneaking suspicion that they are going to try to make us sit through this the other 2 times too. we are going to try our best to bitch until they give in.
luckily, the next 2 vacations are going to be in real hotels...raddison and ramada. at least we wont have to strip our own beds <rolls eyes>
if they make us do it again, david has decided he is going to be a rennie again. we might as well fuck with them and have some fun if we have to suffer it again...i mean, exactly what is that sales person going to sell if we only make $70/wk?
never, ever, ever again, will we be suckers like this.
posted by belen 6:04 PM
1.10.2002
what a day
10 hours with my nose to the panties!
stop looking at me like that...its true! oh, and now you just shake your head and laugh to yourself, "oh that girl...what has she done this time?"
well, tnvideo.com needed a redesign and george laid the task to me (remember all that work on messyfun.com - the *months* i spent suffering through day after day of naked, wet, muddy women to get that site done? same guy, different site).
this site is focused on the fetish of upskirt, panty and young girl action. <sighs> such hard work...allllllllll day staring at young nubile girls in schoolgirl skirts and white cotton panties.
:) i love my job.
so my day was spent trying to get a 1st round of designs done so we could talk about them before i left for daytona tomorrow for the weekend. this is Weekend #1 of our 3 florida trips. i'll let you know how it is.
so i was so busy today that i didn't make it out of my bathrobe until 7:45 this evening. and *that* was only driven by the need to walk down to the pool to get a coke for my rum!
hard, my life is.
so very hard.
posted by belen 5:52 PM
1.7.2002
indicators
every now and then i have small moments that let me know that i am making good choices in my life.
david has been swamped with deadlines (designing the A&E travel pages <hophophop>) and so i have picked up some of the household slack to compensate.
i cooked dinner tonight and as i was finishing, he came up behind me and hugged me and said "i hope i thank you enough for the things you do...i know that with your family background, its important for you to hear it. thank you..."
and that small part of me that spent years choosing significant others who mistreated me just smiled and mumbled that she was glad she was no longer driving this ship.
nice to be doing a few things right :)
posted by belen 4:08 PM
1.5.2002
once a band nerd, always a band nerd.
after a calming morning of yoga, i sat down to eat some lunch...flipped through some channels on tv, and paused when i saw a high school concert band performing.
they were televising the concert for the winners of the 2001 concert band awards for florida.
and i sat breathless as i heard them play.
those of you who never did this - never slipped into your well-earned place within a group to put your piece together with theirs to make music that was so much beyond just *you* - you will probably just shake your head at me.
i listened to the technical prowess each of these players had...remembered the hours of practicing the same 10 notes over and over again in that damn run that just kicked my ass no matter how many times i did it...remembered sitting in endless rehearsals with a band director pushing and pulling and dragging music out of us.
i remembered the day before competition when the trumpet solo was still hitting that 1 note off-key, thinking "my god, he *has* to get this right!"
and i remember sitting under those hot lights in scratchy, ugly black synthetic sacks they called dresses, in front of a panel of judges and 4 other schools worth of peers staring at us. i remember taking a deep breath and feeling this unbelievable flow of energy as the music poured out of us, all the tiny pieces forming a whole...no single discernable voice, but a unity full of power. and then it was the measure before the trumpet solo...then he was playing...and that note happened with such perfection that my insides just felt like they were going to explode. and the flute section all exchanged satisfied glances as we picked up our instruments to re-enter the flow, adding our voices to the others...riding the wave to its clamoring, overwhelming conclusion.
i miss it so much it hurts. making music by yourself has its own satisfaction, but in my mind, it can never ever compare to the feeling of being part of that larger whole. of making the music together out of random bits of notes.
some part of me thinks that i should pick up my flute again.
but i am a perfectionist...and i remember all too well what i once sounded like. and i dont know that i can bear to stumble slowly back to the point where i could listen to myself and not cringe.
and while i dont get much satisfaction out of playing for myself, by myself, there was a certain arrogance, pride and satisfaction that came from knowing that i was good. really fucking good. maybe not *always* the best, but i knew i could hold my own against most people. and that sense of ego remains...and with it, the fear that just playing isnt enough - that i would have to compete, push, excel, BE THE BEST.
how many of you knew that *that* was such an integral part of my being? such ego. but it is...and perhaps it was upbringing, perhaps just part of the way i am wired. not cutthroat, kill everyone in my path competativeness - but this need to know that there is a measuring stick, and that i am near the top...
i have very little patience with myself for learning things. if it doesnt come quickly, naturally, it is most likely that you wont find me doing it.
sad, huh?
maybe things always came too easily for me and i am just spoiled.
or maybe i am just such a perfectionist that if i cant do it right, i might as well not even bother.
i think it is the latter, personally.
funny that i have infinate patience with others, and make a damn good teacher...but i cannot apply the same to myself.
i want to play again. i want to be good enough to join a community orchestra, or something of the sort.
this needs more thought, i suppose.
<sighs> once a band nerd, always a band nerd :)
posted by belen 11:37 AM
1.2.2002
waking up to a snicker
Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
----------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD
PART STUPID DOG
------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
-------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE.
BETTER BE REWARD.
-----------------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES
WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO,
EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
-----------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
-------------------------------------
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING
WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
--------------------------------------
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
--------------------------------------
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
----------------------------------------
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
-----------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
------------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
-------------------------------------------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 -- $9 PER HOUR.
---------------------------------------------
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
---------------------------------------------
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB
AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
-----------------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER
$300.
---------------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
--------------------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
posted by belen 7:16 AM
1.1.2002
the smell of fresh ink on new paper
that's what the new year is all about, right?
fresh ink on new paper.
remembering, hoping, dreaming - creating visions, tucking away the past.
it was nice to be back in texas :)
thankful for:
all the time with good friends. to touch base on a personal level with those dearest to my heart...keeping the connection strong. i know some of you thought that perhaps i would drift away when i left, but that just isnt possible when you are so tied to my heartstrings ;)
the fact that i didnt do anything terribly embarressing that first night, with a large audience, too much alcohol and much love in the air (although, i seem to recall that that atmosphere in the past would have led to much nakedness...are we getting old? <wicked grin>)
that i got to spend so much time with christine when i think she needed it most. i am glad that i have decent timing, anyway :)
that stephanie and i made our peace, and that coming home to time with her was a magical, wonderful surprise. i cannot even express the joy in my soul that all is good there...it took too long.
that i was there to witness the very first baby steps of Conduit getting its own office space! our baby is creeping into the big world, and soon enough, no one will know what hit them!
lunch with james. after 8 years apart, it was wonderful to eat sushi, chatter and remember. there is some good peace in revisiting the past.
dinner with vicky, her husband and bryce. i havent laughed that hard in a long time. it was like being 16 all over again...the wild abandon of chatter, the energy we all had. truly a pleasurable experience.
and of course, time with that rotten, no good sister of mine. how i can love her when *she* got the perfect teeth, big breasts, sharp intellect, wit, charm, and motivation - NATURALLY - and i had to fight every step of the way for it (and i still dont have the breasts <SIGHS>)?
tough spots:
i was very disappointed to not be able to get ahold of jeremy, an old friend from high school. it would have been wonderful to have seen him - to sit and bullshit and recapture a bit of that breif spark we shared. perhaps when i come back in march :)
another disappointment was not seeing jonathan. he had written and said perhaps we could get together while i was there...and nothing when i tried to get ahold of him. i could have called him, but i try not to infringe on his life...i feel like he needs me to fade quietly into the past, and how can i deny him anything? i finally made my peace with our breakup, and i miss my friend very much...but some part of me knows that he cant really be around me. i wish it could be different...and yet i know it cannot. that knowledge does nothing to sooth my soul though...my friend is gone.
my parents. my father and i have a peace between us these days that is good, but my mom and dad together is just so nervewracking. they are careening toward retirement next year with my father stressed about money and stability, and my mother in this horrific manic denial of deep-seated unhappiness. i have much more to say on this topic, but that can wait for a day when i want to delve in and really vent.
posted by belen 12:42 PM