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baring a soul : january 2000

why: 01.11.00
"cuz i'm not beautiful like you...i'm beautiful like me."

i received a letter from a dear friend today, questioning me about my choice of lifestyle, expressing concern for my well-being. and by the time i was done with the reply, it just seemed fitting to put it here.

(She writes:)You are not the same Belen I met years ago.

no i am not. not even close...the last year has changed virtually every aspect of my life. and maybe because you and i shared a common space and time of our life in houston, you have a certain perception about how it was for me during that time. i was dealing with a lot of self-esteem/ self-worth/ center-of-attention issues at that time...the same ones i had been battling for years. you saw all of that very accurately. but there are aspects of my life in houston that i wonder if you were aware of. never *once* did i ever really feel like i was in a space where i could be myself, where i fit in, where i was okay. ever since i can remember, i have always struggled to make myself fit where i was...to hide the parts of myself that people didn't find "acceptable", to live the life everyone thought i should live. most of the time when i went out with you and a group of people, i felt like i was pretending to be someone i was not...dress a certain way, act a certain way, behave according to some standard. now this is where i have to pause and say that i am not criticising the way you live your life, because it *is* where you fit...it is your space and it is comfortable for you. but for me it was just like trying to wear someone else's skin.

i know that my insecurities have manifested themselves in varous forms of self-destructive, attention-getting behaviours. and that has been something that i have been working hard on..and making what i feel like is amazing progress. but i have also come to recognize that there *truly* are parts of me that are different than what standard society deems as "acceptable" most of the time. and in the last 2 years, i have come to make so much peace with those elements and find channels for them that feel *great* to me...that make me feel really whole and finally like i am coming into my own.

Honestly, step back and look at your group, is there anyone that is not addicted to drugs, alcohol, another person, codependent? Do you really like the lifestyle and can is sustain you into your growing adult years? You want children, you want a family, is this the lifestyle you want them to have? I am not saying a white picked fence in the suburbs and all that crap, and it's OK to be different and individual but I think I a lot of the things that you and your friends represent is strictly for attention and shock value.

alright...the first thing that comes to mind is that *honestly*, maybe 10% of the world these days doesn't have some subset of *huge, looming* issues that they are dealing with. I would risk betting that more than 2/3 of women in this world struggle with the co-dependent thing. this stuff is everywhere. and some people recognize it and work toward resolving it, and some never do. that really has nothing to do with social arenas. *christ*, my own mother is more fucked up than anyone else i know right now. it happens.

as for the people in my life, perhaps the extended social group has a decent measure of drugs/alcohol/depression/etc. a few of the people who are closest to me might occassionally, recreationally use a handful of drugs, they drink as much as any other 20-something social person and they handle their share of personal demons as best they can. but they are bright, capable, interesting, caring people with high-paying, exciting jobs and stable homes and regular lives. they just have a range of interests that lie outside the social norm. and perhaps we dress up outrageously and go out, or have parties that fall outside the realm of normal, but more often than not, we go have coffee or quiet dinners or have a drink at the club we enjoy.

i think the thing that bonds this group the most fiercely is not common interests, but the common acceptance...acceptance that you can be whoever and however you want to be. this group of people offered me a space where i could begin taking parts of myself from out of the back of the closet and learning where they fit in my life...because they are just as valid parts of me as the parts that i use every day in business or the parts i share with my family. there are many beliefs/practices of the larger group that i don't have anything to do with...the drugs or the indulgence of wallowing in self-pain or polyamorous relationships among them. but this group does encompass things that i have been attracted to for as long as i can remember...like women, androgenous boys, and unique and diverse personal interests.

Why are you in the fetish troop? Why are you doing all the photography?

i understand all too well that these specific activites are mostly populated by people who are trying desperately to fill some void in their lives or self-esteems. and in the past, there is no doubt that my behaviour in these types of arenas has been for the wrong reasons.

but i have come a long way.

i chose to join the troup because i was curious. i have always had *huge* control issues and i wanted to see what it would be like to experience that environment...if giving up control to someone like that was something that i would enjoy. what i found was, that in growing to trust the people i worked with, i drew a *lot* of joy and satisfaction out of the experiences i shared with them. and i have learned a lot about myself...i perform in the shows for the same reason that i post my writing on a website...there is an amazing sense of freedom that i get from not feeling the need to hide my life. i enjoy what i do, and i enjoy that other people might find pleasure in watching it.

the photography is something similar but slightly different. that photoshoot was an idea that i had been brewing on for about 6 months with donna (the photographer). i had just seen Pillowbook and was intrigued by the calligraphy on bodies thing...i thought it was one of the most beautiful sensual things i had ever seen. and that photoshoot was born out of the desire to create an experience that captured the sensuality and intimacy of that moment. there are about 30 pictures from that shoot that i think capture the essence of that feeling and i will release donna to publish those...and i am so proud of the fact that we created something that i think is so beautiful.

why do people choose to expose parts of themselves? why do people become actors? why do people publish memoirs? why do models choose to participate in nude art photography? i choose to do these kinds of things because i find the experience very positive and i enjoy being part of that creative process.

Going out every night and trying to live two lives is going to tear you apart, you will never know who you really are.

i am not living 2 lives. i am finally at a point in my life where i do not feel the need to hide anything. i hardly broadcast it, but neither do i make efforts to conceal anything. if someone asks, i tell them. that even applies to my family...but i think they are content not to ask...they have a pretty good idea though. i have the strength and conviction to live my life and hold my head up for the first time in my life. i feel good about the fact that, even though the type of relationships i have involved myself in still needs to continue evolving, i have handled all of them in a way i feel good about...being honest, standing up for myself, treating myself with respect. i am figuring out who i am...slowly...with all the mistakes and learning processes that come along with it.

You also need to spend more time with your mother,

i do the best i can...for 6 months i was there a lot bec my dad was so sick and they both needed me so much. and i continue to go as often as i can, but there is only so much i can do. i try to keep my sister floating and okay. she is the one who is stuck in that hell and cant do anything to escape it. my mother...i do what i can, but i cannot make her fix the things that she refuses to stand up for and there is only so much of it i can listen to. i do what i can.

i don't know if you can see where i am and why i am here. but i am working my way toward a life that fits me, augments my strengths and helps me make peace with my short-falls. i don't know if my future includes a husband and a family. i don't know *what* it includes right now. my focus for now is learning about me, and i feel like i am in the right place to do that. i have never felt more alive, more at peace or stronger than i do now...even with the hard times and moments of self-doubt. and i am not making perfect choices...just doing the best i can with trial and error and educated guesses.