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Like everything, a journal is the reflection of a journey and its form morphs with time. This archive covers my blogging from 1999-2002.


The Blogger years. It started as I began travelling and wanted a more daily journal of my life to share with my friends.
oct sept aug july
june may april march
feb jan    
dec nov oct sept
aug july june may
april      

The leap from milky white pages to glowing white screen...the start of virtual exhibitionism.
apr.17: irate
apr.08: expired
apr.07: home
apr.06: free
mar.26: bound
feb.18: inked
jan.02: lost
jan.02: dream
sep.13: high
sep.02: wander
aug.30: touched
jul.24: glow
may.11: snap
feb.29: sex
jan.11: why
jan.01: the apocolypse
dec.06: mourning
nov.01: insanity
oct.13: caged
oct.13: surrender

baring a soul : october 1999

caged: 10.13.99
"i fear i have nothing to give...i have so much to lose here in this lonely place"

i find that my deepest questions and answers are delivered to me through the most startling mediums.

last night it happened through my first rune reading. i asked the question, "will i travel when i graduate and will i be happy travelling?"

first he looked at my immediate past and said that i had been in a period of great freedom - away from responisbility, feeling like i could choose any path. i laughed because, yes, for the last year and a half, i had been a happy slacker college student in a new town full of new things. i had escaped the confines of my dreary corporate cage in metropolis america.

then he looked at my present and said that he saw me in a holding period - a period of rest, but also one of stagnation. i frowned at this accuracy. for the last few monthes, i had been in such a mood: bored, restless, apathetic, frustrated, unmotivated.

then he looked at the future and my question. and this was when the Acknowledgement of the Deep Fear was delivered. he said that i wasn't traveling for the adventure but because i feared something - i was fleeing some situation.

i froze and i felt my mind pulse against those words, wind around them and struggle for breath.

on so many levels, i am so terrified of having to return to the Real World. not like most new graduates though. i've already spent 6 years Out There. i have already known great success, great achievements in my work. i know what i am good at. i know how to succeed.

but i also remember the person i was during that time. i remember the inertia of Plans that snowballed into one another to create my environment. i remember living my life The Way I Was Supposed To.

i felt like i was living a script, trying to do things Right. i felt like i was going to wake up one day, thirty and complaicant.

i don't want to live that. i don't want to become a zombie with blinders on, with one direction, my soul dead.

perhaps this fear strangles me because when i moved here and left my old life behind, i felt Me for the first time. i have discovered the parts of myself that i didn't have time for. i have found such peace and joy and freedom.

i feel alive.

i felt many things in my old life. i felt powerful. i felt successful. i felt appreciated. i felt intelligent. i felt respected.

but i never felt alive.

and perhaps traveling seems like the way to keep that fire burning. do web work, see new things, push my limits.

the idea of returning to Corporate America seems so safe, so expected. and i almost come to fear Safe because something in me screams to test my limits, to taste every bite - that if i don't stretch and reach and grow *now*, soon i will lose the balls to do it.

and i will choose complaicancy.