|
|
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
freeing a soul : march 2002
3.28.2002
ARGH
so much for the taxes happy dance.
i decided to actually LOOK at my return this evening
and i realized that she left out 3 of my 4 1099's
or approximately 1/6 of my income.
the thing is, i walked in and TOLD her that i was missing *2* of my 1099's and she said that we didnt have to have the forms, just the numbers.
and i had everything written out for her on a printout of an excel spreadsheet, with my TOTAL INCOME BOLDED.
and still she managed to miss both the missing 1099's AND ONE THAT WAS SITTING IN FRONT OF HER.
stupid fucking bitch.
pardon my french.
so i left her a message.
and come monday, we will find out what i really owe.
and if the HR Block guarantee against fuckups *really* works, i wont have to pay the difference.
we shall see.
but you better believe that i am going to raise some serious hell.
what if i had put in away without looking at it?
fucking ridiculous.
posted by belen 4:03 PM
pleasant surprises from the Tax Man
i have never been so happy to owe the government $1500.
truly.
since becoming a contractor, i have been desperately trying to set aside the 35% of my total income that i predicted i would need to cover taxes.
and during those really lean times (read, when there was no money and no prospects) i was obviously feeding myself with any money that came in.
so once things got better, i started sacking away a lot more in hopes to catch up on what i would owe.
and yesterday, i ran my tax #'s through the TaxCut software to get an estimate fo what i owed still (before business writeoffs) and i came up with
$3000
ouch.
i had about $2000 set aside.
and then this morning i went to HR Block (a Premium branch on alex's brilliant suggestion) to mee with an accountant.
and after all the deductions and loopholes she helped me to find, i now owe
$1500
<happy dance>
it was well worth the $300 for her help.
i also learned what i can and cant write off for next year, and how to keep track of stuff :)
today, i am feeling *smart*
it probably helps that i am wearing my glasses (they always make me feel librarian-esque)
my last pair of contacts have given up the ghost and i now *must* see an eye doctor to get a checkup and more eyeball covers :)
posted by belen 10:34 AM
3.27.2002
with a heavy heart
i dont even have the words today.
its things like this that make me question who the fuck runs this universe.
it looks like andre's cancer is back.
and again, he has to go through this hell.
and again, we are powerless to do anything.
except love him.
and support him.
and try to help him keep his chin up.
or give him a nest to break in.
and begin the prayer again that this is the end of it, and after this he never has to fight this fight again.
he should be busy fighting fires, not fighting cancer.
me, who never prays, chanting over and over, "please let andre be ok. please let this be the end of it. please keep him safe. please get him through."
usually i reach for the larger picture in the blackest of times...
but how the fuck can *this* be part of any good larger picture?
posted by belen 10:01 AM
3.26.2002
as an afternote
perhaps some of you are wondering if i have tried to interfere with my friend's association with this person.
the answer is no.
she has, in the past, asked my opinion...asked to hear the story.
i have told her what i think.
if she asks me again what i think, i will not hesitate to voice my opinion to its full extent.
but i have not known voicing concern to have much effect with her anyway.
so i just sit and watch.
not my life.
i already made my choices.
posted by belen 9:37 AM
fear and loathing
anyone who knows me knows how much i dislike feeling negative things toward people.
i find it *extremely* difficult to hate.
it takes super-human feats to push me to the point of cutting ties with people.
there is only one person who has earned the honor of such a spot in my life...and recently, i thought i had returned to a more zen space regarding it. i thought perhaps i could see them at a party and be civil.
what elicited such abhorent emotion in me?
the repetative, manipulative, self-serving intentionally cruel behaviour of this person toward myself and others. the facade of repentence. the fact that there is just no way in hell i could ever trust them again with anything as valuable as my life or my friendship.
it was years ago.
and i thought perhaps i was letting go of it.
there was noise that they had "changed".
why the quotes?
because i dont for one moment believe it.
why, belen (who gives everyone the benefit of the doubt)?
because this person had no real reason to change. the true catalyst for deep life change is cataclysmic events that force us to realize that if we dont change, there is nothing for us.
and this person has always had the success and ego-feeding they needed to keep themselves afloat.
any repentence or "change" is the need to go through the motions in order to show the world they are cleansed.
more manipulation.
more self-gratification.
so why the sudden resurgence of negativity?
because time and distance had numbed the sharpness of betrayal.
and now, i see this person sniffing around a good friend...smelling the vulnerability. circling like a shark - slick, quiet, hungry.
i can feel the intent and self-serving motives in the core of my stomach.
it makes me want to take a shower ten times a day.
i trust my instincts more than my eyes.
and my instincts say that this person hasnt repented and changed, only gotten slicker at what they do. and the guise of repentence buys so much these days...ya know?
they say that the greatest hate springs from the greatest love.
amen.
this emotion runs from the depths of knowing this person, loving this person, and having to realize who this person really was.
don't tell me *i* dont know! i know all too well.
posted by belen 8:38 AM
3.22.2002
cleansed
today, i deeply satisfied myself.
today, i cleaned my desk.
today, i bought office supplies.
today, i caught up on phone calls.
today, i wrangled paperwork.
today, i got organized.
can you see the top of *your* desk?
posted by belen 2:19 PM
3.21.2002
guilt
today, the cats went to the vet for checkups and vaccines.
they also had tapeworms.
$180 later, they were ready to go.
except for one other problem.
apparently hobbes has 3-4 teeth that are infected and need to be yanked before it spreads to the rest of his poor little mouth.
<big sad face>
and to make me feel more guilty, *everyone* in the clinic wanted to see it and they kept exclaiming "wow! you sure dont see it *this* bad very often!"
<wilts>
and the price tag on this?
$450 -ish
<slumps in resignation>
poor thing has been walking around with awful toothaches for how long now?
at least he is a loving, wonderful cat. i would be more grumbly if he was a mean spiteful thing that just ate the food and did his own cat thing.
mairi is also schooling me on homemade cat food and the benefits of a natural diet vs store bought commercial catfood.
i just become more hippie every day :)
posted by belen 2:59 PM
3.20.2002
the agony of having no memory
something buzzing in the back of my brain reminds me that i had a few great stories to tell from days gone.
i had exclaimed to friends "wow! i had almost forgotten about that! i need to put that up on belen.net...what a great story!"
and do i remember *AT ALL* what it was?
nope.
black fucking hole of my memory.
bitter?
*yes*
how can i forget so many of the great moments of my life?
if anyone remembers what i was trying to remember, please let me know.
my friends remember my past better than i do.
<sighs>
posted by belen 3:36 PM
but everyone else is doing it!
how well do *you* know belen?
http://-belen-.friendtest.com
posted by belen 11:17 AM
3.18.2002
whew
home.
exhausted beyond all reason.
for your entertainment: http://koti.mbnet.fi/~soldier/towboat.htm
posted by belen 3:28 PM
3.15.2002
<YAWNS>
so, friday was about 3 months ago, right?
it is very exhausting to be a rockstar :)
every day, i wanted desperately to update you on our progress...but really, the chaos was so thick that it was impossible.
so now you get the summarized version - i apologize profusely...i *WANTED* to give you all the dirty little details, but i was just too damn tired to see straight by the end of each day (or was that the vodka??)
so on friday, we had the conduit gallery opening. i was a pleasant evening of wine and chatting with gallery guests.
saturday was the mad dash to finish getting stuff ready for the trade show that opened on sunday. we got our badges and dropped off everything at the booth. and then we dashed back to the office to get ready for the David Lynch themed open house we were throwing. we all donned out prom dresses and tiaras (to be laura palmer) and put out the red velvet ear cake and sangria punch.
so the open house was from 4-6pm. afterwards, we put on our conduit webmistress shirts (and left on the tiaras bec once you put on a tiara, it is impossible to take it off) and headed to the opening parties :)
it was so amazing to have people we met last year walk up to us and exclaim how happy they were to see that we were still around and that we were doing well. i never would have guessed that folks would have remembered us like that. so the evening was fabulous - we even handed out the awards for tje ceremony that night!
sunday morning opened with the mad dash to the office to grab the last of the tradeshow stuff and get set up.
our theme this year was a carnival theme - complete with games and prizes.
Ring Toss Barbie was the hit of the show. we had barbies glued to a board in various positions and people had to throw plastic rings at them to win prizes. because the tiara's had been such a hit, we had them as one of the many prizes. at some points in the day, we had mobs of people standing around as we called out "the more jewelry you give to barbie, the more she gives back!"
we also had the Spinner that gave you chances to win a user-friendly tshirt or hear about our services. we ended up giving away over 40 shirts :) after 3 dys of the schpeel, you kind of feel like you have a sting in your back that people can pull for the canned response :)
here is a picture of andre, being our mime on sunday, directing people to our booth.
so sunday night we went to the mixer before the web awards and then escaped for some sushi and an early night of sleep. i think xtine and i were passed out by 10pm!
monday was balancing clients' crazy frantic demands and our trade show schedule. we were working the trade show from noon-6pm again and then there were the mixers and parties. we ended up at the livejournal party at elysium, where we drank copiously, danced hard and hung out with many many people :) it was just the dose of fun i needed and it was so nice to be back in the club i had once spent so much time :)
tuesday was the Last Day. i had no voice left, and we were all hobbling around trying to look perky. trade show from noon-4. then the her domain mixer and then the closing parties and after parties. i have never been so tired in my life.
i drank my wieght in both coffee and alcohol in those 5 days.
however, from what we are told, we were the talk of the show, and the SXSW management kept hearing about "those fabulous conduit girls". its nice to know that all of our energy and effort was worth it :) it looks as though they may want us on panels and MC'ing next year...we shall see ;)
so wednesday, i dragged my sorry ass out of bed feeling liek a truck had mowed me over - 5 times. i loaded up the car and headed with dre and my sister into houston to meet with a client. thursday found us back on the road to austin, and it was time for a quiet dinner at home.
today was full of work, and the rest of the time here should be pretty calm and relaxing. i have plans to dig in the dirt and garden at mairi's....there is the lust murder box show at elysium at noon tomorrow (ohgodicantwait!!!!!!)...and hopefully life will allow me to regain my voice and my energy.
as it stands, i am still upright, and it appears as though i did survive :) with all the great people we met, i certainly cant complain :)
posted by belen 3:18 PM
3.6.2002
the lunacy of the day before a trip
yes, today has been random chaos.
scrambling to get work finished.
errands for those last minute things.
xtine flopping and donna having panic attacks over SXSW planning.
my sister suffering the blows of not-so-good best friends.
<manic look>
so i went shopping today. yup...the mall.
i figured i needed to get a few things i actually fit in to ease my anxiety of this trip.
why do people like this retro-70's shit?
do people actually *want* to buy yellow-ish dirty i-just-crawled-out-from-under-my-el camino jeans?
while wading through the godawful fashions in the stores, i did find a few things that soothed my fashion demands.
then i had to try on jeans.
word of wisdom:
*never* try on jeans when you feel like you have a fat ass.
no good comes of it.
i wasnt even delusional enough to try the 7's...i moved right over to the 9's. (for someone used to buying 5/6, that is painful)
as i looked down in horror at the zipper of the jeans that did not want to close easily, i wrestled them off and fleed the store.
3 stores later, i tried again...grabbing a pair of 11's and avoiding eye contact with the size tag.
once on, i did not feel bad about them, so i got them.
i am *still* ignoring the size. my only comfort is that they are junior's sizes, which (i now proclaim) are always made for crackwhores anyway :)
so tonight i continue to battle my mound of laundry and the completely incompetent washer/dryer.
in the end, it will all get done.
and then i can get to austin and take the load off of my conduit girls, so we can all enjoy SXSW and not lose our minds :)
as a final note, i hereby protest against people who are so insecure that they cannot deal with social dynamics and the relationships formed as a result. it sucks to be so bound by your issues that you cant be a good friend, but it sucks even more when loving, caring people around you become the victims of your own inability to deal. there are no easy answers...nothing is ever easy when it comes from so deep within. growing up just sucks.
posted by belen 3:56 PM
3.1.2002
friday, huh?
it certainly doesnt *feel* like a friday.
the last 2 weeks has been dedicated to working on the AGA website, and i *think* that maybe we will launch today :) yay!
now i am back to panties, which sadly enough, my headache is keeping from enjoying the way i should.
the storms that have blown through keep kicking up much that makes my allergies protest.
6 more days til austin :)
posted by belen 12:17 PM