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Like everything, a journal is the reflection of a journey and its form morphs with time. This archive covers my blogging from 1999-2002.


The Blogger years. It started as I began travelling and wanted a more daily journal of my life to share with my friends.
oct sept aug july
june may april march
feb jan    
dec nov oct sept
aug july june may
april      

The leap from milky white pages to glowing white screen...the start of virtual exhibitionism.
apr.17: irate
apr.08: expired
apr.07: home
apr.06: free
mar.26: bound
feb.18: inked
jan.02: lost
jan.02: dream
sep.13: high
sep.02: wander
aug.30: touched
jul.24: glow
may.11: snap
feb.29: sex
jan.11: why
jan.01: the apocolypse
dec.06: mourning
nov.01: insanity
oct.13: caged
oct.13: surrender

freeing a soul : june 2001

6.26.2001

webmistress-ing

i have done my duty as a good webmistress and have gotten some more of bob's work up on www.dvnc-arts.com. this also includes the some pics from body painting we did for the documentary. enjoy :)

i have been a happy designing-bunny lately...it is always so nice when i get to *actually* spend my time doing what i love. should have a new item for my portfolio soon...yay!
posted by belen 4:45 PM

6.24.2001

deception

recent events have turned me rather introspective lately...which is good - i missed me lately :) with so many topics whirling around inside, there is one that pushed itself to the surface rather unexpectedly in the last 12 hours...mostly sparked from thoughts of jonathan and my old life.

so few of the people who know me and love me now know the contents of this closet. and it is an interesting perspective on My Past. i also think that the years have helped me learn from these grevious mistakes and to outgrow their compulsive need to be present in my life.

so where to start...it is all so circular. i guess since jonathan was what sparked it, it is as good a place as any to exemplify this topic. time and distance make for a very different perspective.

to hear me tell the story of our breakup years ago, it was tragic. i was a victim of being hopelessly in love with someone who was just too selfish to reciprocate. i hung onto a relationship long after it was gone because i couldnt bear to leave...i believed that it could get better.

i cringe now at that version. just another complex set of lies to validate me...my inability.

in truth, he did do a lot initially to make me feel bad. he spent many late nights out, drinking & hanging out with his friends. our schedules were reverse, so any time i could have with him i was very jealous of...very clingy. the more time he spent elsewhere, the more unhappy i got. the more unhappy i got, the more passive agressive i got. never, in those early days, did i ever stand up for myself and tell him exactly how shitty he made me feel. i simply wailed & begged for his time...and any that he gave me was never enough. he later claimed that if i had told him to shape up or ship out, that he would have gotten his shit together. perhaps...but i wasnt that girl...that took a strength that i didnt yet have.

but at some point in all this, i snapped. i needed to feel loved, and one form seemed jsut as good as any other. so i started cheating on him. this silent, painful "fuck you" that took on a life of its own. and to make matters worse, i was sleeping with first one co-worker, then another. after each encounter, there was this feeling of victory and heart-wrenching pain. it was beginning to dawn on my that sex didnt equal love...and that it was jonathan's love that i wanted. eventually the cheating was...so purely painful that i couldnt keep it up. and by this time, jonathan was working full-time for my company. working side by side with these men who i had cheated on him with. my guilty conscience was overwhelming.

he knew. we played this silent game for a long time. soon, he was out til 6am every night drinking...i layed in bed crying and terrified every night. until one night he was hanging out with a friend in the house and they thought i was asleep. jonathan began talking to his friend about this girl he was messing around with. i sat in shock, listening until finally i went downstairs and confronted him.

and even in that moment as i sat asking him what the fuck was going on, i was unable to admit to my own deceptions. he demanded, i cried...gave small details. never was i able to speak to him the extent of my betrayal. never did i admit out loud that i had actually slept with anyone else.

after the dust settled, he decided that he wanted to try to make it work. but the trust was broken...we struggled for 6 months, and in the end, he left.

i spent the next 2 years asking "why?" and trying desperately to convince him that he wanted to be with me. i knew he loved me, so *why* couldnt he *be* with me?

in those years, i stayed close to his family...i let them feel my pain and confusion...i let him be the bad guy. never did i admit to my rather large part in the deterioration of our relationship. the fact that he had a girlfriend so quickly afterwards aided my pity-party greatly.

the fact of the matter was jonathan was not the type to cheat. i had always known that. he may have gone out drinking...been rather self-centered in attending to his needs...wasnt ready to settle down...but he was *not* an unfaithful person. and when i realized that he was also cheating, i knew that i had precipitated something Very Bad. but damned if i was going to let anyone else know that. instead i wailed, "why doesnt he want me anymore?" and was reassured when everyone replied, "he's a fool for leaving you!"

a fool? who would choose to return to a mate who had purposefully lied and deceived them for more than 1/2 of their relationship? no matter *now* much you loved them, your self-respect and need for self-preservation would keep you from ever being with that person again. that your mate couldnt be strong enough to handle difficulties in a straight-up manner...instead, betrayed your trust over and over.

<softsmile> no, i cannot blame him. we both made our mistakes...but i was the one who broke the trust. plain and simple. and for years after, i worked to perpetuate the lies so that i could be the victim...to his family, to our friends, to anyone who would listen.

but the larger truth...jonathan is merely one poignant example.

the more i loved a person, the more i lied to them when i felt i had done something "wrong". so many examples...i would say that vicky was probably the other one who recieved this treatment the most...because before jonathan, she was my world. little lies, big lies, silent lies, verbal lies, lies about boys i slept with, lies about things i had done. the betrayal of having an affair with her married brother...and not being big enough to admit it to her myself.

why? why lie to the people who love you...to the people most likely to forgive you when you fuck up?

that is really the question that sparked all of this...finally having enough perspective to not only acknowledge, but also to study it more objectively. i think there are a few reasons.

1) i think that one of the most important things you can teach a child is forgiveness: both how to give and how to ask and recieve. despite my mother's best efforts, our house was just not one that was conductive to learning this lesson. although i'm sure there were minor occassions when apologies and acceptances were exchanged, they dont leave an imprint on my mind. what does stick is that when you "fucked up" in my house, you were berated, punished, and made to feel that you were no longer worthy (i always became my "mother's daughter" when i was bad). and this issue was never settled...your past mistakes were always raised again at opportune times...added to the list of things you have done wrong...flogged with your growing unworthiness. the only child was a perfect child. a crack in the perfection made it trash.

2) so for anyone to love me, i had to be perfect. and i wanted so much for people to love me. and as i got into my teens, i found that for a time, sex often got me something resembling love...the attention, the adoration, the desire. so came my Catch22 - sex means love, and the pursuit of that was all. except sometimes it meant doing things like seeking that love in places that would hurt the ones you love. so to preserve that love, you lied about what you were doing. if you could sheild the truth from them, then they would keep loving you. if they knew what you were doing, there is no way they could love you. the choice was easy. every situation that ever caused me pain in my younger years stemmed from this paradox. the people i hurt were the people i wanted to love me the most.

3) the other key part to being perfect was to be blameless. if a situation was uncovered, i *had* to be the victim...somehow, it was *imperative* that i didnt cause the pain directly...that i was not responsible for the situation. sometimes this meant active lying...sometimes it meant skewing the perspective a little. but if i wasnt responsible for it, there was nothing i could do about it. no need to take responsibility and therefore blame. i had a moment of shock when i realized that i learned this survival tactic from my mother. although hers is a little different, i found myself very close to her version when i was with jonathan. she lives in a situation that makes her miserably unhappy, but in her mind (and to those who will listen) she justifies that there is nothing she can do about it. not her fault, nothing can be done. victim, not active participant. she hurts because she doesnt believe she deserves better...but she wishes she *could* deserve better. and the only thing that can change it is for her to realize how strong she really is and to demand from herself that she deserves a change. not so easy. i love her and i hurt for her because i remember what making excuses for myself was like. it cripples you.

so why do i share all of this?

well, i just figured it all out, and that is always pretty exciting :)

also, i found myself thinking about how i had changed, what had changed me, the friends i had now and how i treasured them. my move to austin was the beginning of a new life. and while i can look back and see traces of the old throughout, the thing that changed the most is that i have so much more respect for myself. and because of that, i can show the ones i love the respect they deserve. and they did so much to strengthen this in me. i dont think that they had any idea what the old me was like...and i think it is an important thing to know about.

but probably the main reason i write this is that perhaps someone might read it and gain something from it. the truth of the matter is that having a low self-esteem hurts so many more people than just yourself. i think of the pain i caused others and i can only hope that the life i live now can make up a bit for it in the karmic scheme of things. i hope that i can have the wisdom to not fail myself so horrifically ever again.

but these experiences made me me. and that is something :) i think of it as an Extended Version of life lessons that the karma angels teach me from time to time.
posted by belen 2:18 PM

concern

my cell phone rang at 6am austin time last night...and it wasnt a number i recognized. but something deep in my brain screamed "jonathan", and (whether it was right or not) it left me wondering yet again how he is.

before i moved, we had hit a new high in our communication...we chattered back and forth in email fairly regularly, and it was so nice to have more frequent contact with him. i took it as a sign that the last of our post-breakup akwardness was finally gone and that we were finally free to have the friendship that meant a lot to both of us. we were supposed to have lunch before i left, but somehow that never happened.

then silence...i have written, with no reply. although i know his phone number, i do not feel free to intrude there...his girlfriend really dislikes me, with good enough reason i suppose. they got together immediately after our breakup (perhaps before, who knows), and after spending 3 years together, it took a long time for jonathan and i to completely untie our lives. while i had little sympathy for her, i did understand her insecurity. and even though they have now been together for 4 years (which should say *something* to her <rolls eyes>), it still causes problems if i am anywhere visible in the fabric of his life.

but silence concerns me because it usually means that things arent going so well. and that worries me...hurts my heart that i cant offer some encouragement and support if he needs it. but this is his way...he disappears for a while, and then when i least expect it, he pops up and i experience the joy of hearing from him again.

we have always had this eerie connection...that when we were in more constant contact proved almost infallable - i could just feel when things werent right for him. and since i have moved, there have been several times that this has happened. so i worry and hope that sometime soon, he might resurface.

after loving him for 7 years, going through hell and back together (and apart), he is so very dear to me. it was a relief to finally reach peace with our relationship...to know that he was my friend and that fate, karma angels, life and love would not allow it to be otherwise. it took a long and painful road to reach that peace, but every moment was worth it to be able to count him among my friends now.

i miss my friend.
posted by belen 11:20 AM

6.11.2001

wrong

we arent even going to call this the protest of the day...we are simply going to refer to it as WRONG.

my sister has no right being so damn beautiful or <GROWLS> *SEXY*! leave it to my beloved donna to not only make me deal with her turning 18 & graduating from high school, but now seeing her look like... *this*.

for all my parading around on the internet naked, my sister has managed to look just as sexy...fully clothed. <big sigh>

no, no, i am pleased, *really*. but for someone who is 8 years older, it is rather difficult to see anything but the freckle-faced, pixie-cut darling she was shen she was 9. know what i mean?

you want me to show you, dont you?

fine.

see for yourself.

speaking of naughty, donna finally got that piece of writing up...but *fair warning* - if you cant stomach the idea of me writing lesbian erotica or would be offended by the adult content, then please avoid this...i am not putting this stuff out there to offend anyone...
posted by belen 3:55 PM

6.10.2001

wheeeeeee

at some point this morning (9-ish, perhaps), there is the crash of cats tearing through the house...then this strange feeling...the bed is rocking...like we are on the ocean. and for about 3 seconds, the sleep-drugged brain struggled..."did a truck hit the building?"..."are the walls so thin that i can *feel* the neighbor having sex?"..."what the....?" and about the time my brain regstered "earthquake" is was done.

i rolled back over. a few minutes later i heard a fire engine siren come near & then stop...doors slam, and someone say 4.5 magnitude. i pulled the pillow over my head.

amazing how you adjust to new places...my first earthquake, and all i could think was "this is too much excitement for a sunday morning..."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

my sister has been on me to pick up this book, and i finally did:

Back Roads by Tawni O'Dell

*amazing* book. the storyline sounds like the pinnacle of white trash, but the emotions conveyed and the character development are wonderful...she is a great writer.

basics: a 19 year old boy is struggling to raise his 3 younger sisters (ages 16,12 & 6) after his mother is jailed for shooting his father. the story is deeply touching, funny, and so beautifully portrays that edge of hysteria that someone is that position must feel. the plot twists & turns are well done so that they dont feel stereotypical...

read it. its a quick read...i wouldnt put it down once i started. i rate it up there with PUSH by sapphire.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

i read that texas is underwater...<smiles> all of texas is wailing that i am gone :) but at least you got one bilgic sister for another...i hear she is having a good time :)

i think we are gonna hit a movie today...its rainy today (first time since way before i left) and there is much in the theaters (for once!) that i want to see.
posted by belen 2:41 PM

6.5.2001

home

goodness...i am finally home.

10 days out & about...sneaking around austin, trying to avoid my sister knowing where i was...

she was happily surprised when i showed up in houston unannounced at susan's party. dre was with me, which was wonderful...i was braced for a party of luscious 18 year olds dizzy with the intoxication of graduation the next day...what i wasnt expecting was for it to be a pool party with all those tasty morsels in bikinis <SIGHS> god help me if i hadnt been dying from a vile case of allergies, i might have died from over-stimulation. susan is a very naughty girl who should be put over someone's knee.

my baby sister has officially graduated from high school. pomp & circumstance...the alma mater...all things that no one should have to hear after that first time. the flashbacks were amusing...

my time spent in austin with my friends was a treasure...i have missed them terribly! but this trip confirmed for me that if i could import the people i love to olympia, it would be a good long while before i returned to texas again. dont get me wrong...i love austin, and i will enjoy going back someday. but for the time being, i *don't* miss sweating...i don't miss allergies. i feel good about having a new space to spread my wings.

while trapped in the airport, i finally did some writing :) expect it on charlottesometimes.com soon...i'll let you know :)

so i am home with my boy & my kitties...all are very happy to see me :)

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

:: PROTEST OF THE DAY ::

HOUSTON.

the people who live there are slowly dying of poisoning.

i never realized how bad it was. i think breating that air growing up is the reason i am vertically challenged.

i had minor allergy issues in austin...no biggie. but 45 minutes outside of houston, my nose started to itch...i began sneezing...i felt my brains slide into my sinuses...my throat closed up. by the time i reached houston, i was so miserable i just wanted to die.

and thats how i remained. my head throbbing, knowing with utter certainty that i was being extinguished by the vile air surrounding me. i tried to have a good time, but it was futile.

finally we fled...and 45 minutes outside of houston, i found myself laughing & talking...and realized that i was no longer in agony. only the faintest traces of allergies could be found now & i was finally free.

i protest houston air. all ye who remain there: beware you are slowily killing yourselves. between the allergens & the smog, you are living dangerously. FLEE.
posted by belen 7:23 PM