freeing a soul
: june 2001
6.26.2001
webmistress-ing
i have done my duty as a good webmistress and have gotten some more
of bob's work up on www.dvnc-arts.com.
this also includes the some pics from body painting we did for the documentary.
enjoy :)
i have been a happy designing-bunny lately...it is always so nice when
i get to *actually* spend my time doing what i love. should have a new
item for my portfolio soon...yay!
posted by belen 4:45 PM
6.24.2001
deception
recent events have turned me rather introspective lately...which is
good - i missed me lately :) with so many topics whirling around inside,
there is one that pushed itself to the surface rather unexpectedly in
the last 12 hours...mostly sparked from thoughts of jonathan and my
old life.
so few of the people who know me and love me now know the contents
of this closet. and it is an interesting perspective on My Past. i also
think that the years have helped me learn from these grevious mistakes
and to outgrow their compulsive need to be present in my life.
so where to start...it is all so circular. i guess since jonathan was
what sparked it, it is as good a place as any to exemplify this topic.
time and distance make for a very different perspective.
to hear me tell the story of our breakup years ago, it was tragic.
i was a victim of being hopelessly in love with someone who was just
too selfish to reciprocate. i hung onto a relationship long after it
was gone because i couldnt bear to leave...i believed that it could
get better.
i cringe now at that version. just another complex set of lies to validate
me...my inability.
in truth, he did do a lot initially to make me feel bad. he spent many
late nights out, drinking & hanging out with his friends. our schedules
were reverse, so any time i could have with him i was very jealous of...very
clingy. the more time he spent elsewhere, the more unhappy i got. the
more unhappy i got, the more passive agressive i got. never, in those
early days, did i ever stand up for myself and tell him exactly how
shitty he made me feel. i simply wailed & begged for his time...and
any that he gave me was never enough. he later claimed that if i had
told him to shape up or ship out, that he would have gotten his shit
together. perhaps...but i wasnt that girl...that took a strength that
i didnt yet have.
but at some point in all this, i snapped. i needed to feel loved, and
one form seemed jsut as good as any other. so i started cheating on
him. this silent, painful "fuck you" that took on a life of its own.
and to make matters worse, i was sleeping with first one co-worker,
then another. after each encounter, there was this feeling of victory
and heart-wrenching pain. it was beginning to dawn on my that sex didnt
equal love...and that it was jonathan's love that i wanted. eventually
the cheating was...so purely painful that i couldnt keep it up. and
by this time, jonathan was working full-time for my company. working
side by side with these men who i had cheated on him with. my guilty
conscience was overwhelming.
he knew. we played this silent game for a long time. soon, he was out
til 6am every night drinking...i layed in bed crying and terrified every
night. until one night he was hanging out with a friend in the house
and they thought i was asleep. jonathan began talking to his friend
about this girl he was messing around with. i sat in shock, listening
until finally i went downstairs and confronted him.
and even in that moment as i sat asking him what the fuck was going
on, i was unable to admit to my own deceptions. he demanded, i cried...gave
small details. never was i able to speak to him the extent of my betrayal.
never did i admit out loud that i had actually slept with anyone else.
after the dust settled, he decided that he wanted to try to make it
work. but the trust was broken...we struggled for 6 months, and in the
end, he left.
i spent the next 2 years asking "why?" and trying desperately to convince
him that he wanted to be with me. i knew he loved me, so *why* couldnt
he *be* with me?
in those years, i stayed close to his family...i let them feel my pain
and confusion...i let him be the bad guy. never did i admit to my rather
large part in the deterioration of our relationship. the fact that he
had a girlfriend so quickly afterwards aided my pity-party greatly.
the fact of the matter was jonathan was not the type to cheat. i had
always known that. he may have gone out drinking...been rather self-centered
in attending to his needs...wasnt ready to settle down...but he was
*not* an unfaithful person. and when i realized that he was also cheating,
i knew that i had precipitated something Very Bad. but damned if i was
going to let anyone else know that. instead i wailed, "why doesnt he
want me anymore?" and was reassured when everyone replied, "he's a fool
for leaving you!"
a fool? who would choose to return to a mate who had purposefully lied
and deceived them for more than 1/2 of their relationship? no matter
*now* much you loved them, your self-respect and need for self-preservation
would keep you from ever being with that person again. that your mate
couldnt be strong enough to handle difficulties in a straight-up manner...instead,
betrayed your trust over and over.
<softsmile> no, i cannot blame him. we both made our mistakes...but
i was the one who broke the trust. plain and simple. and for years after,
i worked to perpetuate the lies so that i could be the victim...to his
family, to our friends, to anyone who would listen.
but the larger truth...jonathan is merely one poignant example.
the more i loved a person, the more i lied to them when i felt i had
done something "wrong". so many examples...i would say that vicky was
probably the other one who recieved this treatment the most...because
before jonathan, she was my world. little lies, big lies, silent lies,
verbal lies, lies about boys i slept with, lies about things i had done.
the betrayal of having an affair with her married brother...and not
being big enough to admit it to her myself.
why? why lie to the people who love you...to the people most likely
to forgive you when you fuck up?
that is really the question that sparked all of this...finally having
enough perspective to not only acknowledge, but also to study it more
objectively. i think there are a few reasons.
1) i think that one of the most important things you can teach a child
is forgiveness: both how to give and how to ask and recieve. despite
my mother's best efforts, our house was just not one that was conductive
to learning this lesson. although i'm sure there were minor occassions
when apologies and acceptances were exchanged, they dont leave an imprint
on my mind. what does stick is that when you "fucked up" in my house,
you were berated, punished, and made to feel that you were no longer
worthy (i always became my "mother's daughter" when i was bad). and
this issue was never settled...your past mistakes were always raised
again at opportune times...added to the list of things you have done
wrong...flogged with your growing unworthiness. the only child was a
perfect child. a crack in the perfection made it trash.
2) so for anyone to love me, i had to be perfect. and i wanted so much
for people to love me. and as i got into my teens, i found that for
a time, sex often got me something resembling love...the attention,
the adoration, the desire. so came my Catch22 - sex means love, and
the pursuit of that was all. except sometimes it meant doing things
like seeking that love in places that would hurt the ones you love.
so to preserve that love, you lied about what you were doing. if you
could sheild the truth from them, then they would keep loving you. if
they knew what you were doing, there is no way they could love you.
the choice was easy. every situation that ever caused me pain in my
younger years stemmed from this paradox. the people i hurt were the
people i wanted to love me the most.
3) the other key part to being perfect was to be blameless. if a situation
was uncovered, i *had* to be the victim...somehow, it was *imperative*
that i didnt cause the pain directly...that i was not responsible for
the situation. sometimes this meant active lying...sometimes it meant
skewing the perspective a little. but if i wasnt responsible for it,
there was nothing i could do about it. no need to take responsibility
and therefore blame. i had a moment of shock when i realized that i
learned this survival tactic from my mother. although hers is a little
different, i found myself very close to her version when i was with
jonathan. she lives in a situation that makes her miserably unhappy,
but in her mind (and to those who will listen) she justifies that there
is nothing she can do about it. not her fault, nothing can be done.
victim, not active participant. she hurts because she doesnt believe
she deserves better...but she wishes she *could* deserve better. and
the only thing that can change it is for her to realize how strong she
really is and to demand from herself that she deserves a change. not
so easy. i love her and i hurt for her because i remember what making
excuses for myself was like. it cripples you.
so why do i share all of this?
well, i just figured it all out, and that is always pretty exciting
:)
also, i found myself thinking about how i had changed, what had changed
me, the friends i had now and how i treasured them. my move to austin
was the beginning of a new life. and while i can look back and see traces
of the old throughout, the thing that changed the most is that i have
so much more respect for myself. and because of that, i can show the
ones i love the respect they deserve. and they did so much to strengthen
this in me. i dont think that they had any idea what the old me was
like...and i think it is an important thing to know about.
but probably the main reason i write this is that perhaps someone might
read it and gain something from it. the truth of the matter is that
having a low self-esteem hurts so many more people than just yourself.
i think of the pain i caused others and i can only hope that the life
i live now can make up a bit for it in the karmic scheme of things.
i hope that i can have the wisdom to not fail myself so horrifically
ever again.
but these experiences made me me. and that is something :) i think
of it as an Extended Version of life lessons that the karma angels teach
me from time to time.
posted by belen 2:18 PM
concern
my cell phone rang at 6am austin time last night...and it wasnt a number
i recognized. but something deep in my brain screamed "jonathan", and
(whether it was right or not) it left me wondering yet again how he
is.
before i moved, we had hit a new high in our communication...we chattered
back and forth in email fairly regularly, and it was so nice to have
more frequent contact with him. i took it as a sign that the last of
our post-breakup akwardness was finally gone and that we were finally
free to have the friendship that meant a lot to both of us. we were
supposed to have lunch before i left, but somehow that never happened.
then silence...i have written, with no reply. although i know his phone
number, i do not feel free to intrude there...his girlfriend really
dislikes me, with good enough reason i suppose. they got together immediately
after our breakup (perhaps before, who knows), and after spending 3
years together, it took a long time for jonathan and i to completely
untie our lives. while i had little sympathy for her, i did understand
her insecurity. and even though they have now been together for 4 years
(which should say *something* to her <rolls eyes>), it still causes
problems if i am anywhere visible in the fabric of his life.
but silence concerns me because it usually means that things arent
going so well. and that worries me...hurts my heart that i cant offer
some encouragement and support if he needs it. but this is his way...he
disappears for a while, and then when i least expect it, he pops up
and i experience the joy of hearing from him again.
we have always had this eerie connection...that when we were in more
constant contact proved almost infallable - i could just feel when things
werent right for him. and since i have moved, there have been several
times that this has happened. so i worry and hope that sometime soon,
he might resurface.
after loving him for 7 years, going through hell and back together
(and apart), he is so very dear to me. it was a relief to finally reach
peace with our relationship...to know that he was my friend and that
fate, karma angels, life and love would not allow it to be otherwise.
it took a long and painful road to reach that peace, but every moment
was worth it to be able to count him among my friends now.
i miss my friend.
posted by belen 11:20 AM
6.11.2001
wrong
we arent even going to call this the protest of the day...we are simply
going to refer to it as WRONG.
my sister has no right being so damn beautiful or <GROWLS> *SEXY*!
leave it to my beloved donna to not only make me deal with her turning
18 & graduating from high school, but now seeing her look like... *this*.
for all my parading around on the internet naked, my sister has managed
to look just as sexy...fully clothed. <big sigh>
no, no, i am pleased, *really*. but for someone who is 8 years older,
it is rather difficult to see anything but the freckle-faced, pixie-cut
darling she was shen she was 9. know what i mean?
you want me to show you, dont you?
fine.
see
for yourself.
speaking of naughty, donna finally got that piece
of writing up...but *fair warning* - if you cant stomach the idea
of me writing lesbian erotica or would be offended by the adult content,
then please avoid this...i am not putting this stuff out there to offend
anyone...
posted by belen 3:55 PM
6.10.2001
wheeeeeee
at some point this morning (9-ish, perhaps), there is the crash of
cats tearing through the house...then this strange feeling...the bed
is rocking...like we are on the ocean. and for about 3 seconds, the
sleep-drugged brain struggled..."did a truck hit the building?"..."are
the walls so thin that i can *feel* the neighbor having sex?"..."what
the....?" and about the time my brain regstered "earthquake" is was
done.
i rolled back over. a few minutes later i heard a fire engine siren
come near & then stop...doors slam, and someone say 4.5 magnitude. i
pulled the pillow over my head.
amazing how you adjust to new places...my first earthquake, and all
i could think was "this is too much excitement for a sunday morning..."
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
my sister has been on me to pick up this book, and i finally did:
Back Roads by Tawni O'Dell
*amazing* book. the storyline sounds like the pinnacle of white trash,
but the emotions conveyed and the character development are wonderful...she
is a great writer.
basics: a 19 year old boy is struggling to raise his 3 younger sisters
(ages 16,12 & 6) after his mother is jailed for shooting his father.
the story is deeply touching, funny, and so beautifully portrays that
edge of hysteria that someone is that position must feel. the plot twists
& turns are well done so that they dont feel stereotypical...
read it. its a quick read...i wouldnt put it down once i started. i
rate it up there with PUSH by sapphire.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
i read that texas is underwater...<smiles> all of texas is wailing
that i am gone :) but at least you got one bilgic sister for another...i
hear she is having a good time :)
i think we are gonna hit a movie today...its rainy today (first time
since way before i left) and there is much in the theaters (for once!)
that i want to see.
posted by belen 2:41 PM
6.5.2001
home
goodness...i am finally home.
10 days out & about...sneaking around austin, trying to avoid my sister
knowing where i was...
she was happily surprised when i showed up in houston unannounced at
susan's party. dre was with me, which was wonderful...i was braced for
a party of luscious 18 year olds dizzy with the intoxication of graduation
the next day...what i wasnt expecting was for it to be a pool party
with all those tasty morsels in bikinis <SIGHS> god help me if
i hadnt been dying from a vile case of allergies, i might have died
from over-stimulation. susan is a very naughty girl who should be put
over someone's knee.
my baby sister has officially graduated from high school. pomp & circumstance...the
alma mater...all things that no one should have to hear after that first
time. the flashbacks were amusing...
my time spent in austin with my friends was a treasure...i have missed
them terribly! but this trip confirmed for me that if i could import
the people i love to olympia, it would be a good long while before i
returned to texas again. dont get me wrong...i love austin, and i will
enjoy going back someday. but for the time being, i *don't* miss sweating...i
don't miss allergies. i feel good about having a new space to spread
my wings.
while trapped in the airport, i finally did some writing :) expect
it on charlottesometimes.com soon...i'll let you know :)
so i am home with my boy & my kitties...all are very happy to see me
:)
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
:: PROTEST OF THE DAY ::
HOUSTON.
the people who live there are slowly dying of poisoning.
i never realized how bad it was. i think breating that air growing
up is the reason i am vertically challenged.
i had minor allergy issues in austin...no biggie. but 45 minutes outside
of houston, my nose started to itch...i began sneezing...i felt my brains
slide into my sinuses...my throat closed up. by the time i reached houston,
i was so miserable i just wanted to die.
and thats how i remained. my head throbbing, knowing with utter certainty
that i was being extinguished by the vile air surrounding me. i tried
to have a good time, but it was futile.
finally we fled...and 45 minutes outside of houston, i found myself
laughing & talking...and realized that i was no longer in agony. only
the faintest traces of allergies could be found now & i was finally
free.
i protest houston air. all ye who remain there: beware you are slowily
killing yourselves. between the allergens & the smog, you are living
dangerously. FLEE.
posted by belen 7:23 PM
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